| Blast
from the Past (1999) by Bill Kelly and Hugh Wilson. FADE IN:
SCENE 1 OMITTED
EXT. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - NIGHT
OPEN on a MOVING WIDE SHOT of a mountain range with the
distant lights of the San Fernando Valley behind it.
BEGIN CREDITS as a NAVY JET drops down into the picture.
PUSH IN on the jet's exhaust flame. Have the words "THE
BLAST" come out of the flame. Then there is a SLIGHT
EXPLOSION and the flame intensifies. The words "FROM THE
PAST" jump out of the exhaust as the jet momentarily
shakes.
INT. JET
The PILOT feels the jet shake. But he looks at his
indicators and everything appears to be normal. He
relaxes.
EXT. JET
We begin with a WIDER REAR SHOT of the jet and allow the
plane to move away. Then SUPER: "LOS ANGELES, 1962"
before continuing the main titles. A popular recording
from that period has been playing throughout.
EXT. CALVIN'S WORK SHOP - NIGHT
Start on a CU of the HAM RADIO ANTENNA, WIND GAUGE and
THERMOMETER attached to the roof of Calvin's shop. (We
can hear military air traffic chatter on Calvin's
Hallicrafter radio.) Then move down to the window where
we see CALVIN Webber tinkering with a gadget at his work
bench. Calvin's very pregnant wife HELEN appears. The
music becomes source.
HELEN
For Pete's sake, Calvin! We've got
guests!
CALVIN
Sorry, honey! I just got to fooling
with this darn rheostat.
HELEN
Well, put it down and come in!
CALVIN
You bet, hon!
They exit the workshop for the house. Calvin has left
the ham radio on.
NAVY PILOT (ON
RADIO)
Tower, Wolf One is five miles from the
overhead.
TOWER (ON RADIO)
Wolf One, Tower. Report the numbers.
You're number one for the overhead.
NAVY PILOT (ON
RADIO)
Wolf one.
INT. COCKPIT OF JET - SAME TIME
The YOUNG PILOT looks down at the flashing red light on
his control panel. He speaks into the oxygen mask that
hangs loosely from his helmet.
PILOT
Tower. Wolf One. I've got a problem
here.
TOWER (OC)
Say your problem, Wolf One. Are you
declaring an emergency?
PILOT
Stand by. One.
INT. DINING ROOM
DAVE, BETTY, BOB, and RUTH (30's) pass around the buffet
table. Another period song is playing on the phonograph.
BETTY
Just remember: don't mention the
communists!
DAVE
Calvin's a great guy, but he's a
little, you know...
BETTY
Nutty.
RUTH
What's his wife like?
BETTY
Oh, you know, housewife.
DAVE
Likes to cook. Pregnant.
RUTH
Normal, then.
BETTY
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
(then)
Helen!
Helen has entered from the kitchen with more food. She
favors June Allison.
HELEN
Hi, Betty! Dave!
BETTY
Just look at you!
HELEN
Any day now!
BETTY
This is my sister and her husband.
HELEN
Oh, hi! Welcome!
INT. LIVING ROOM
Calvin is using a cocktail shaker to very carefully make
Rob Roys for the crowd at the bar. It's like watching a
chemist at work. Calvin's a pipe-smoker.
CALVIN
So anyhow this duck says to the clerk,
"I'd like to buy this lip balm." And
the clerk says, "Will that be cash or
a check?" And the duck says, "Just
put it on my bill!"
Polite laughter follows, but the guy out of Calvin's
sight-line rolls his eyes.
ANGLE - DAVE AND BOB
with drinks. Helen is in the b.g., rushing around, over-
serving everyone.
DAVE
He was the golden-boy professor at Cal
Tech. But then he starts inventing
things.
BOB
What kind of things?
DAVE
You got me. Some kind of special
synthetic rubber. And some kind of
automated machine. Anyhow, suddenly
he gets rich. I mean rich! And quits
teaching.
ANGLE - CALVIN
as his guests sample their Rob Roys.
CALVIN
How's that?
GUEST
Just what the doctor ordered!
Calvin gives the man his patented thumbs-up sign.
ANGLE - BETTY AND RUTH
over by the patio doors. We can see Calvin's shop through
the window.
BETTY
With all his money they could have
moved to Beverly Hills, but they
decided to stay in the Valley. Calvin
spends all his time tinkering out
there in his workshop. If you ask me
it's all very strange.
WOMAN GUEST #1
(chiming in)
He dug a huge hole out there for a
swimming pool. Then he decided he
didn't want it and filled the thing
in. And what's that big, high fence
for?
The women look at Calvin.
ANGLE - CALVIN
with guests (one is called Harold) at the bar.
CALVIN
There currently exists a type of neon
light that lasts five years. But you
won't see it on the market. Same is
true of batteries. I could take your
simple yacht battery and rig it to
last a decade, easily.
HAROLD
Well, what the heck kind of a
marketing system can't get great new
products like that out to the public?
CALVIN
(intense)
A veeeery good one, Harold. Free
market capitalism may not be a perfect
order, but it's the best we've got, or
will ever have. And why? Three
reasons!
Poor Harold.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Most of the guests are women, gabbing and helping Helen
out as she removes a pot roast from the oven and busily
jumps around the kitchen.
WOMAN GUEST #2
Say, Helen? What does Calvin think
about this trouble down in Cuba?
HELEN
(rolling her eyes)
Oh, please don't bring that up!
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT, MOMENTS LATER
A late guest named RON hurries up the walkway and into
the house.
SCENE 8 OMITTED
INT. LIVING ROOM - A SECOND LATER
Calvin is with another guest.
CALVIN
I'd say my baseball card collection is
as complete as any one I've ever seen.
Ron pushes his way through the crowd.
RON
Calvin! Hey, Calvin!
(pointing over his shoulder)
Kennedy's going toe-to-toe with
Khrushchev on the television!
Calvin immediately heads for the family room. Others
follow.
INT. FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Everyone is huddled around the JFK TV press conference.
There seems to be a lot of smokers. Helen appears
shortly, wearing a hot pad mitten on each hand.
JFK
...this sudden, clandestine decision
to station strategic weapons for the
first time outside of Soviet soil, is
a deliberately provocative and
unjustified change in the status quo
which cannot be accepted by this
country.
Calvin cuts a knowing look at Helen who dutifully returns
it.
EXT. JET - NIGHT
The plane swoops over the Valley and we see the
spectacular lights of L.A. sprawl. There is a TRAIL OF
SPARKS coming from the jet's engine.
INT. JET COCKPIT
The plane is shaking terribly and the pilot is having a
very hard time controlling it.
TOWER
Wolf One -- say intentions.
PILOT
I've got secondaries of an engine fire
and I'll need to find a clear area to
eject.
TOWER
Roger, Wolf One. Can you make it to
the ocean?
EXT. JET
The trembling plane circles to the west.
INT. FAMILY ROOM
Return to TV.
JFK
...we will not prematurely or
unnecessarily risk the cost of
worldwide nuclear war, in which even
the fruits of victory would be ashes
in our mouth. But neither will we
shrink from the risk at any time it
must be faced.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT/ EXT. HOUSE, MOMENTS LATER
To Helen's embarrassment, Calvin is ushering all the
guests to the front door. Helen is passing out hats and
purses. She and Calvin speak simultaneously - somewhere
in the middle we cut outside.
CALVIN
I'm sorry everyone, but given this
extraordinary turn of events, I think
it's prudent that we cut the evening
short. I'm sure this Cuban thing will
resolve itself, but in the
meantime...I'd suggest taking a
prayerful watch-and-wait stance!
HELEN
We'll do this again! Maybe next week.
Here's your hat. Could I wrap
something up for you? Did you have a
coat?
Helen can barely get a "good night" out before Calvin
shuts the door.
ANGLE - DAVE AND BOB
Following their wives out.
DAVE
(sotto to Bob)
What'd I tell ya?!
Bob whistles softly. Calvin's a nut all right.
INT. FRONT DOOR
Calvin turns to Helen, a grave expression on his face.
CALVIN
It's time.
HELEN
(misinterpreting, holding her
stomach)
Time? Oh, no Calvin. It's not time
yet. I still have--
He points down.
HELEN (cont'd)
Oh, that time! You know Calvin, I'm
not sure I'm really ready for this.
CALVIN
On the contrary, I think we're the
only ones who are.
He leads her out of shot.
HELEN (OC)
Calvin I'm sure everything's going to
be all right. I just know it is!
EXT. BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin and Helen leave the house; cross the patio; and
hurry to the shop. Back in the house, the record player
has been left on: "How Much Is That Doggie In The
Window...?" Helen is carrying the pot roast which is
wrapped in foil.
HELEN
Well, I'm certainly not going to let
the pot roast go to waste. Could you
just put that seat cover back on that
lawn chair?
He does.
HELEN (cont'd)
Shouldn't we at least turn off the
phonograph?
CALVIN
It shuts off automatically.
HELEN
Did you rig it to do that? You're so
clever.
CALVIN
No. They all do.
HELEN
I never know anymore.
The SOUND OF THE TRAINER JET makes a low pass over
Calvin's house. Calvin sticks his head out the door and
looks up.
CALVIN
I bet that's a fighter jet on his way
to Key West! Good luck, amigo!
INT. WORKSHOP
They enter. The place is full of tools and gadgets--
mostly construction equipment. The ham radio is still on.
TOWER
An emergency has been declared. I
repeat, an emergency has been
declared.
Calvin and Helen speak over the Tower who is telling
other aircraft in the vicinity to clear the area.
CALVIN
You hear that?!
HELEN
Yes.
Calvin unplugs the radio and quickly wraps the cord.
CALVIN
We can listen to the rest downstairs!
He pushes aside a table that is hiding a hatch in the
floor and unlocks it by turning the hatch's wheel. Then
he opens the hatch and reaches inside to turn on a light.
Red submarine light shines up from below. All the while
he and Helen are chatting:
HELEN
Calvin, I wish you would have at least
let me do the dishes. It's not going
to be that easy getting all that dried-
on food off my nice plates.
CALVIN
I just hope those plates aren't
radioactive by tomorrow morning.
HELEN
Cheese is particularly troublesome.
CALVIN
Worse than your Kraft Holiday dip?
HELEN
Oh, much worse. But not as bad as that
Mexican Jumping Bean dip. You remember
that?
CALVIN
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Give me the roast
and watch your step. I'll come back
for the radio.
She steps into the hatch and onto a ladder.
INT. JET - NIGHT
The young pilot is bouncing around the now smokey
cockpit.
PILOT
Tower, say again!!
TOWER
The SAR HELO is airborne with you in
sight.
PILOT
I'm marking the 180 radial for five
and ejecting.
TOWER
Roger, Wolf One.
The pilot rights the plane; points the joy stick; and
reaches for the ejection handles between his legs.
EXT. JET
The pilot ejects.
INT. EMPTY COCKPIT
This is the pilot's POV (were there a pilot.) We see the
coastline and we notice that the plane is making a... U-
turn, away from the water and back towards the Valley.
EXT. JET
Streaking back to the Valley with a dramatic tail of
sparks.
EXT. THE PARACHUTING PILOT
He notices that his plane is headed directly at him. It
misses him by a matter of yards.
INT. LADDER - CONTINUOUS
Taking the liberty of a CUTAWAY SECTION, we follow them
down the ladder which is inside a corrugated metal tube.
On either side of the tube we see layers of dirt.
HELEN
How long will we have to stay down
here?
CALVIN
I don't know. For this thing to blow
over, it could take days.
HELEN
Days??
CALVIN
Rather safe than sorry. That's my
motto!
HELEN
But, what if I go into labor? That
could happen any time.
CALVIN
I've read up on it. I'll deliver the
baby myself if I have to.
HELEN
Now you listen to me Calvin Webber,
when this baby comes, you're going to
be out in the waiting
room smoking yourself to death with
all the other fathers.
CALVIN
(chuckling)
Yes, dear!
HELEN
As long as we've got that straight.
EXT. JET - SAME TIME
It COMPLETES ITS TURN and STREAKS SKYWARD at a 90 degree
angle to the ground... until it SPUTTERS and the ENGINES
STOP. Then, after a Road Runner-like beat or two, it
begins to FALL DIRECTLY BACK TO EARTH, tail first.
INT. SMALL ANTEROOM - SAME TIME
The Webbers step off a metal ladder and face a vault-like
chrome hatchway. Calvin opens the six-inch thick door by
pushing another switch on his small box. Helen takes the
roast.
EXT. JET - NIGHT
With only the sound of wind, the jet continues to fall as
the lights of the Valley rush up to meet it.
INT. SHELTER - CONTINUOUS
They step into a darkened room.
CALVIN
(with arms spread)
Home sweet home!
HELEN
To you maybe.
Calvin flicks a wall switch and we HEAR A SERIES OF
LIGHTS COMING ON. The echoes of the sounds suggest a
large, cavernous space. All we can see is the cinder
block wall behind them and the hatch door, which Calvin
begins to shut by putting his body into it.
Just then there is a TREMENDOUS DOUBLE EXPLOSION FROM
ABOVE which knocks them to the floor. (Note: Helen hangs
on to the roast, trying her best not to drop it.) The
LADDER, CORRUGATED TUBE, ROOF, AND LOTS OR DIRT AND ROCK
BEGIN TO CRASH DOWN INTO THE ANTEROOM. Calvin struggles
to his feet and gets the vault door shut just in the nick
of time.
HELEN
What was that?!
CALVIN
Are you all right?!
Hanging on to the roast she nods vigorously, trying to be
brave.
HELEN
Yes, I think so.
Calvin hurries to a bright RED METAL BOX on the wall.
Next to the box is a LARGE THERMOMETER OR GAUGE that's
labeled "Radiation Count." There are OTHER GAUGES that
are dropping to zero.
CALVIN
Oh, no! It's happened! Look at that
heat!! All my surface indicators are
knocked out! Oh, my Lord...it's
actually happened!!
INTER CUT - CU OF BOX AND THERMOMETER
The box has a dial on it, next to which is a large lever.
A foreboding sign reads HATCHWAY TIME LOCKS, USE EXTREME
CAUTION. Calvin pulls the lever.
BACK TO SCENE
The chrome and steel EXIT HATCHWAY AUTOMATICALLY LOCKS
with great noise, precision and...finality. There is the
SOUND OF A REAR DOOR doing the same thing.
HELEN
What's that noise?
CALVIN
The locks.
HELEN
The locks?
CALVIN
To keep us from trying to leave. After
an atomic blast there's a radiation
half-life that lasts thirty five
years.
HELEN
Thirty -five years!
CALVIN
Then after that it's safe.
HELEN
It's safe.
She continues to stare at him.
CALVIN
To go up.
HELEN
To go up.
She continues to stare at him.
CALVIN
(confidently)
Hey, honey. Don't you worry. We're
going to be just fine.
Helen bursts into tears.
EXT WEBBER PATIO - DAY
Two police detectives, LEVY and ATKINSON, exit the house.
Uniformed workers carefully carry small pieces of the jet
from the crash site. The detectives lead us to what's
left of Calvin's shop. It's mostly a charred crater.
LEVY
According to Caltech, this Webber guy
was a bonafide genius and a borderline
nutcase.
ATKINSON
Well, he and Mrs. Nutcase must have
been out here when the plane hit.
LEVY
Unless we get a postcard or somethin',
that's my guess.
ATKINSON
What about relatives?
LEVY
All back East.
ATKINSON
The neighbors over there said the guy
spent day and night out here. She'd
bring him sandwiches and hot Dr.
Pepper.
LEVY
He drank it hot?
ATKINSON
Yeah.
LEVY
Good god.
ATKINSON
Yeah.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME (12 HOURS AFTER BLAST)
Helen awakes alone and still dressed. She sits up and
trys the phone on the night table. It is dead. She hangs
up and exits.
INT. KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM/PATIO
Calvin is making sandwiches from the pot roast. Two empty
Doctor Pepper bottles sit next to the stove where Calvin
is heating the soda. He sees Helen enter the livingroom.
CALVIN
Hi, honey! Feeling better?
HELEN
No.
CALVIN
We have to be strong, sweetheart. If
not for ourselves, for the child.
HELEN
All our friends...
He enters with her sandwich and a cup of Dr. Pepper.
CALVIN
Burnt to a crisp.
(indicating sandwiches)
I've given you the most well-done cut.
HELEN
I'm not hungry.
CALVIN
Hot Dr. Pepper! Your favorite!
HELEN
(leaving)
No, Calvin, you're favorite.
CALVIN
Really?
She walks out onto the patio. She rubs her arms as if
cold.
CALVIN
A bit chilly? Shouldn't be.
Temperature's a nice 73 degrees.
He follows her out to the patio.
HELEN
Maybe I've just got the creeps.
CALVIN
How could you?! This is just like
home!
A reverse angle shows for the first time the rest of the
fallout shelter -- which looks very different from
"home". Perhaps she starts to cry again.
HELEN
No. No! Calvin, this is different!
Believe me!
CALVIN
Would you like a tranquilizer?
HELEN
You have tranquilizers?
CALVIN
I told you! I've got everything!
Helen groans in pain.
HELEN
Oh, no.
CALVIN
What?
HELEN
Uh, oh. Now it's time.
CALVIN
Honey?
SCENE 29B OMITTED
SCENE 29C OMITTED
SCENE 29D OMITTED
SCENE 29E OMITTED
INT. VERY WIDE OF THE SHELTER - HOURS LATER
We can only hear Adam's entrance into the world. There is
Helen's pain, followed by Adam's cry, followed by
Calvin's rejoicing.
CALVIN (OC)
The first child to be born on earth
after the annihilation!!
INT. SHELTER - DAYS LATER
SUPER: SEVERAL DAYS LATER
Start on the record player in the living room. The
country and western classic "Hey, Good Looking" is
spinning.
OMIT SCENE 30
INT. SHELTER, BATTERY ROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin walks through checking things over; pleased by
what he sees. He exits. ("Hey Good Looking" continues.)
INT. SHELTER, FISH FARM - CONTINUOUS
Calvin checks the switch he uses to control the lights.
Then he checks out all the tiny fish swimming in the six
feet by six feet tank. When he hears a baby's cry he
hurries away.(Music continues)
INT. SHELTER, MASTER BEDROOM
Calvin enters and smiles with great affection at his
family: Helen and a NEWBORN SON cradled next to her in
bed.
CALVIN
Is there a problem?
HELEN
No, Calvin. Babies cry.
CALVIN
I've noticed.
HELEN
What shall we call him?
Calvin shrugs.
HELEN (cont'd)
Well, I was thinking...in light of the
situation...that we should call him
Adam. That's not sacrilegious is it?
CALVIN
No. I think it's just right.
HELEN
And I was wondering...if...if I could
have a...
CALVIN
Yes!
HELEN
If I...you know...
CALVIN
What? Whatever you want, Helen!
She points upwards.
HELEN
I want a bedroom ceiling.
They both look up. Then he tells her.
CALVIN
You've got it!
Calvin happily gives her his patented thumbs-up sign.
A MONTAGE: 1) CALVIN , IN A LARGE SUPPLY ROOM, PICKS OUT
THE PLYWOOD HE'LL NEED FOR THE CEILINGS. ( 60'S HAPPY,
BUSY SCORE COVERS ALL THIS.)
2) HELEN, CARRIES LITTLE ADAM (THREE DAYS OLD) ONTO THE
FAKE PATIO (WITH THE PLASTIC PLANTS AND THE PLASTIC
GRASS). SHE LOOKS UP AT CALVIN WHO'S ON A LADDER
INSTALLING A CEILING.
SUPER: SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
3) IN THE FAMILY ROOM, CALVIN SHOWS HELEN HOW HE'S RIGGED
A PROJECTOR TO THROW A PICTURE ONTO THE TV SCREEN. SHE'S
THRILLED TO SEE "THE HONEYMOONERS!" MAIN TITLES COME ON.
ADAM, LYING ON A QUILT BY HELEN'S CHAIR, IS ABOUT FOUR
WEEKS OLD. (IT'S IMPORTANT HERE THAT WE SEE A 8MM FILM
BOX WITH THE "I LOVE LUCY" LOGO ON IT)
SUPER: SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
4) TOTAL DARKNESS. THEN CALVIN FLICKS A SWITCH AND A BANK
OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS COMES ON TO SIMULATE SUNLIGHT. UNDER
THE LIGHTS ARE SOIL BEDS ON WOODEN TABLES. CALVIN IS
EXCITED TO SHOW HELEN THE TINY, YOUNG CARROTS COMING UP.
HELEN HOLDS ADAM AT THREE MONTHS OLD.
SUPER: A YEAR LATER
5) IN THE DINING ROOM, HELEN IS SERVING POT ROAST AND
SOME VERY NICE LOOKING CARROTS. ADAM IS SIX MONTHS OLD.
HE WATCHES HIS PARENTS AS THEY SAY GRACE.
6) HELEN "SHOPS" FOR SUPPLIES IN THE LARGE STOREROOM.
ADAM, ONE YEAR OLD, RIDES IN THE SHOPPING CART.(1963)
7) CALVIN NETS A WIGGLING, FULLY GROWN FISH.
8) THE FAMILY WATCHES "THE HONEYMOONERS" TOGETHER. (ADAM
IS STILL ONE YEAR OLD.)
CALVIN ENJOYS HIS PIPE IN THE LIVINGROOM
9) CALVIN EXAMINES THE REAR HATCHWAY AS HELEN APPROACHES
WITH ADAM IN HER ARMS.
HELEN (OC)
Calvin?!
CALVIN
Right here!
HELEN
(arriving)
We looked all over for you. What are
you doing back here?
CALVIN
Oh, I was just examining this rear
hatchway.
HELEN
Why?
CALVIN
No reason.
(then, off her look)
Well, it's pretty clear that the front
entrance caved in when the bomb went
off. So, you know, when the time is
up, we'll have to return to the
surface using, you know, this back
entrance. Which is very nice because
it has the service elevator!
HELEN
Very nice. Unless it caved in, too.
CALVIN
Yes. Well... yes.
A sober beat, then:
CALVIN (cont'd)
You wanted to see me?
Helen nods vigorously.
HELEN
Watch this!
CALVIN
What?
She sets Adam (one year old) down on his wobbly little
legs, steadying him at the shoulders.
HELEN
Go to Daddy, Adam. Go to Daddy.
And Adam takes his first step. And then another! And
another! It's a joyous event.
CAMERA LEAVES THEM AND TRAVELS UPWARD THROUGH THE CEILING
AND THEN, AGAIN USING THE DEVICE OF A CUTAWAY, IT
CONTINUES THROUGH DIRT AND SEDIMENT ALL THE WAY UP TO THE
SURFACE-- WHERE THE BACKYARD AVOCADO TREES ARE BEING
BULLDOZED AND THE BACK FENCE HAS ALREADY BEEN TORN DOWN.
THE WEBBER HOUSE FACED A QUIET RESIDENTIAL STREET, BUT IT
BACKED ONTO VICTORY AVENUE (OR ONE OF THOSE VALLEY
AVENUES) AND IN THE LATE FIFTIES AND EARLY SIXTIES THOSE
MAIN THOROUGHFARES WENT COMMERCIAL.
A SIGN tells us that this is the future site of MOM'S
MALT SHOP."
Some WORKMEN with shovels have discovered the REAR
SHELTER DOORS where they have been digging.
WORKMAN #1
Hey, Boss!
The construction BOSS comes over for a look.
WORKMAN #1
What do you make of this?
BOSS
Damn if I know.
WORKMAN #2
I bet it's some kinda septic tank.
WORKMAN #1
I've never seen a septic tank that
looked like that.
BOSS
Well, don't fool with it. If it is a
septic tank, I sure as hell don't want
to open it. We'll just lay the
foundation over it.
WORKMAN #1
Okay.
EXT. WEBBER HOUSE, PATIO (THE REAL ONE) - DAY, SAME TIME
A Realtor steps out with A COUPLE looking to buy the
house.
REALTOR
...and since it's almost certain that
the Webbers were killed, the bank is
selling the house and that back parcel
over there that's been re-zoned
commercial. It's right there on the
avenue.
WOMAN BUYER
Is that where the plane crashed?
She points out to a LEVEL LAWN where the shop used to be.
We can see the Malt Shop construction crew beyond that.
REALTOR
Yep, right there.
MAN BUYER
This place gives me the willies.
REALTOR
Yeah, I know what you mean. But the
price is right.
EXT. BACK AT THE MALT SHOP CONSTRUCTION SIGHT -
CONTINUOUS, DAY
The guy driving the heavy front loader lets the bucket
slam to the ground hard.
INT. BACK AT THE SHELTER REAR DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Calvin vaguely hears the noise made by the front loader.
INT. SHELTER, LIVING ROOM - EVENING (1965-66)
SUPER: 1965
Calvin smokes his pipe and enjoys a Manhattan cocktail as
Adam (three and a half) sits in his lap reading the title
page from Alice in Wonderland.
ADAM
Al ice in won der lan.
Calvin smiles pridefully over at Helen who works
intensely on the couch making a coffee-can Santa from
instructions in the The Redbook Crafts Collection.
CALVIN
Not bad for a three and a half year
old! I'd like to see the public school
system match that! I don't care how
terrific it is!
HELEN
Yes, he's very bright, dear. Much like
his father. But you know, Calvin,
maybe he's a little...young for
school.
CALVIN
Nonsense. People have no idea what the
human mind is capable of. Look at us!
Helen ponders that statement.
ADAM
(pointing to the book's art
work)
Look, Daddy. Alice went down a hole,
just like us.
Calvin smiles and messes up Adam's hair.
ADAM (cont'd)
Will I ever get to go up on top?
CALVIN
Yes, you certainly will. And you'll
find a nice girl and rebuild America.
Just the way it used to be.
HELEN
Oh, Calvin, I'm not sure we should be
making promises that perhaps can't be
kept.
CALVIN
I believe there will be other
survivors. In fact, I'm guessing
there's life on the surface, even now.
It's not life worth living perhaps,
but believe me, something's moving
around up there. And I don't just mean
the cockroaches.
They both look nervously up at the ceiling.
EXT. MOM'S MALT SHOP (NOW FINISHED) - DAY (1965-66)
CARS PASS BY on the busy avenue.
INT. MOM'S MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
CLEAN CUT SURFER KIDS are being served their favorite ice-
cream and malt treats by MOM herself and a young SODA
JERK. Appropriate music comes from the jukebox.
MOM
I'm going to need two more banana-
splits and a cherry coke!
SODA JERK
You bet, Mom! Coming up!
Two YOUNG MEN IN BEATLE HAIRCUTS enter. Everyone looks at
them in amazement. (Perhaps there is also a record change
here.)
INT. SHELTER, CLASSROOM - DAY (65-66)
Calvin is building and furnishing a classroom from
materials available to him. He has had the forethought to
bring down the books needed for his child's education.
Little Adam is watching him.
CALVIN
(to Adam)
Nothing in the world is more fun than
learning new things.
INT. FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT
The family watches the same "Honeymooner" clip they
watched before. Calvin still finds it funny. Helen
wonders about that.
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
Helen is pouring cooking sherry into an empty Listerine
bottle.
EXT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1970-71)
SUPER: 1970
Other buildings have been constructed around the malt
shop. Foot and car traffic are heavier.
INT. MALT SHOP - SAME TIME
The clean-cut kids have been replaced by FLOWER CHILDREN.
Mom hasn't put a lot back into the decor, but she has
made concessions to the fashions of the time. The jukebox
plays something appropriate. Mom and the Jerk are five
years older.
MOM
I can't tell the boys from the girls
anymore!
SODA JERK
(stoned)
Uh...yeah. It's like hard.
Mom gives the Jerk a suspicious look.
INT. SHELTER - DAY (1970-71)
Calvin (40) is giving Adam (8) a boxing lesson. They work
from a "How To" book and use gloves made from living room
pillows. Adam's pretty good. Helen appears and watches
with pride. Then she interupts.
HELEN
Boys! Excuse me, but I believe it's my
turn.
(holding out her hand)
Adam?
He goes to her.
INT. SHELTER - MINUTES LATER
The hydroponic garden area is empty. A Perry Como song
begins and Adam and Helen enter waltzing. Adam has
changed shirts and combed his hair. Somewhere, Calvin is
watching with pride. After a while Calvin cuts in. He and
Helen dance beautifully. Then they kiss. Somewhere, Adam
is watching with pride.
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1975-76)
SUPER: 1975
The place continues its decline. Acid rock plays loudly.
Mom and the Jerk serve the smallish crowd.
MOM
I miss those nice flower-power kids.
How 'bout you?
SODA JERK
(after studying her for some
time)
Um...uh...
The acid rock song ends and an early, bad disco hit comes
on the jukebox.
MOM
What the hell kind of music is that?!
The Jerk puts his hands to his ears, he so hates the new
music.
SODA JERK
Oh, man. I'm like not sure I like
that.
INT. SHELTER, CLASSROOM (1975-76)
The room looks like Ricky Nelson's class. There are twin
pictures of Ike and JFK on the wall. Adam is eleven.
CALVIN
This is what money looks like. It
comes like this, in coin, or like this
in paper. Or you can have an
"investment." These are stock
"certificates" that we bought in your
name. Of course, they're worthless
now, but at one time they were quite
valuable.
ADAM
They're pretty. Can I have them?
CALVIN
Sure. Now, let's move on to our French
exam.
ADAM
Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday.
CALVIN
You're right! It's Tuesday already!
By gosh, time flies, doesn't it?!
ADAM
Tempus fugit!
CALVIN
En arte voluptus.
Que les bons temps roul?
ADAM
Gerade aus dann links!
CALVIN
Sorgen sie bitte dafur das die gepack
sorgfaltic behandeldt warren!
ADAM
Haben sie etuas nettes in leder?!
CALVIN
(marveling)
You know, you have a wonderful sense
of humor, son! I must say, the acorn
doesn't fall very far from the tree.
By the way, it's time I gave you
something. Come with me.
Adam follows his dad out.
INT. SHUFFLEBOARD COURT - CONTINUOUS
They pass Helen who is absentmindedly poking at the puck
with a stick. She's not having a very good day. She wears
her hair dryer but it's not plugged in.
CALVIN
Hi, honey!
HELEN
Hi.
INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin hands Adam a cigar box. Adam opens it to see
Calvin's remarkable baseball card collection.
ADAM
These are wonderful.
CALVIN
It's my entire baseball collection.
It's yours now.
ADAM
What's baseball?
CALVIN
It's a game, son. I can explain it
pretty easily. There's a pitcher.
ADAM
Like a painting?
CALVIN
(chuckling)
No, son. A pitcher.
ADAM
Like one of Mom's?
CALVIN
Uh, no. There's a man who throws the
ball -- to a man who has a bat.
ADAM
The nocturnal flying mammal?
CALVIN
(slightly pissed)
No. Sit down.
They do.
INT. SHELTER - NIGHT
Start close on flashing roller skates. Then cut wider to
show Adam roller skating. He passes Helen who has fallen
asleep knitting in one of the lawn chairs. Then Adam
passes Calvin who is on a ladder soldering a leaking
ceiling pipe.
EXT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1991)
SUPER: 1991
TWO PUNKS with spiked green hair enter to the strains of
"My Sharona."
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1991)
Mom watches the punks enter. Then crosses to the Soda
Jerk who now has a tattoo on his forehead.
MOM
I'm selling this place. I want out of
this hell hole!
SODA JERK
Could I, like...oh, wow...like,uh...
MOM
Buy it from me?
SODA JERK
Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
MOM
I'll give it to ya, no money down.
The neighborhood has gone to hell
anyway.
She walks off.
SODA JERK
Cool.
INT. KITCHEN (1995)
SUPER: 1995
Helen has prepared a birthday cake. Having no birthday
candles, she's used three votive candles. We can hear
Calvin and Adam talking in the dining room. (She and
Calvin are now in their 60's.)
CALVIN (OC)
No, no! The runner on second goes to
third! He's out there!
ADAM (OC)
Why?
CALVIN (OC)
Because he's forced out at third! It's
a force!
ADAM (OC)
Then why go there?
CALVIN (OC)
Because he must!
HELEN
Calvin!
CALVIN (OC)
Coming!
Calvin enters.
CALVIN (cont'd)
Yes, dear?
HELEN
Get the presents and do the lights.
CALVIN
You bet.
Calvin leaves while Helen lights the candles. The whole
shelter goes dark. Calvin returns with two presents
wrapped in whatever is available.
INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen and Calvin enter singing Happy Birthday. We see the
ADULT ADAM for the first time in silhouette. His handsome
face is revealed to us when the cake is placed before
him.
ADAM
Thank you, Mom! Thanks, Dad!
CALVIN
Blow out the candles!
HELEN
Make a wish!
He does both. His parents clap. Helen takes one of the
presents from Calvin and gives it to Adam. He unwraps it.
It's a green coat.
ADAM
Oh, boy! A jacket!
CALVIN
Your mom made that all by herself.
ADAM
No kidding!
HELEN
No kidding.
(aside, to Calvin)
Who else would have done it?
CALVIN
And I made these!
He gives Adam the second present. Adam tears off the
paper to find a pair of roller-skates that Calvin has
redesigned. The new skates look kind of like
rollerblades.
ADAM
Holy Cow! What the heck are these?!
CALVIN
Your roller-skates! I redesigned them!
I think this new design will work even
better!
ADAM
These are really swell! I mean swell!
HELEN
What did you wish for, Adam?
CALVIN
If he tells, it won't come true!
HELEN
Oh, that's just a bunch of baloney! We
never believed that in my family!
CALVIN
Well, we did in my family!
ADAM
I wished I could meet a girl.
His parents don't have a reply for that.
HELEN
Oh. A nice one, I hope.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
CALVIN
One who doesn't glow in the dark.
HELEN
Calvin Webber! What a thing to say!
CALVIN
Well, we'll be going up in two years.
We'll know then. I'm very hopeful.
ADAM
(ardently)
Me, too.
His parents stare at him for a beat, then:
HELEN
Let's eat our cake.
CALVIN
Yeah. Let's dig in!
They do.
HELEN
Elbows, Son.
ADAM
Sorry, Mom!
HELEN
You never know. You may someday dine
at the White House with the president.
CALVIN
If we still have one.
HELEN
Yes...
CALVIN
You know, when we do go up...I'm going
to miss this old place. How 'bout you,
hon?
HELEN
(after a beat)
Would you excuse me?
CALVIN
Sure.
Helen rises and exits.
SCENE 48 OMITTED
SCENE 49 OMITTED
SCENE 50 OMITTED
SCENE 51 OMITTED
SCENE 52 OMITTED
SCENE 53 OMITTED
SCENE 54 OMITTED
SCENE 55 OMITTED
SCENE 56 OMITTED
SCENE 57 OMITTED
SCENE 58 OMITTED
INT. BATTERY ROOM- LATER, SAME NIGHT
Helen enters and goes into the generator room. Through
the glass we can see (and hear) her scream. Straightening
her hair and feeling much better, she exits as Calvin
strolls by wearing his tool belt. She's headed out.
CALVIN
In the generator room again?
HELEN
Oh, yes. It just fascinates me how
all these things work.
CALVIN
I know exactly what you mean!
(then)
Hey, honey?
She turns to him. He gives her his patented thumbs up
sign.
CALVIN (cont'd)
Great cake!!
She smiles wanely and leaves. He shuts the generator door
she left open.
SCENE 60 OMITTED
SCENE 61 OMITTED
INT.SHELTER, LIVING ROOM - VERY EARLY MORNING
SUPER: THE PRESENT
The room is quiet and empty. The star-burst WALL CLOCK
on the paneling says 6:15.
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Also empty.
INT. STOREROOM - SAME TIME
Also empty. And with MEAGER SUPPLIES on the shelves.
INT. POWER AND PUMP ROOM - SAME TIME
The old pipes are rusted and patched. Some are leaking
badly.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin wakes up. He looks over at Helen's bed.
ANGLE - HELEN
She wakes up. Then jumps out of bed.
SCENE 67 OMITTED
CLOSE ON THE RED METAL BOX
that has been ticking on the wall for thirty-five years.
Suddenly it STOPS TICKING and a rather annoying ALARM
GOES OFF. Calvin's hand reaches up and turns it off by
throwing the lever up.
ANOTHER ANGLE shows us the mechanism on the FRONT
HATCHWAY switch to OPEN with a loud, vault-like move.
ANOTHER ANGLE
reveals the family in their pajamas standing in front of
the front hatchway and red box.
ADAM
So...we just open this door and go up?
Calvin grabs a handle and using all his strength, opens
the front entrance hatch. And then must jump back when
nothing but earth and rock pour into the room.
ADAM
Um...is that supposed to happen?
His parents take a beat then race off like maniacs
through the entire shelter to the back hatch door. They
knock over whatever gets in their way as they go. Adam
follows.
ADAM
Hey, where are we going?! Is
everything all right?!
INT. BACK HATCHWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin and Helen arrive followed by Adam who can't
possibly share his parent's deep concerns. Everyone is
out of breath.
CALVIN
Should we say a little prayer first?
HELEN
Just open the door.
Calvin attempts to open the big hatch, but can't. Adam
helps him. Helen pitches in. Slowly, with lots of
squeaking, the DOOR OPENS. He steps through the hatch and
flips a wall switch. Red submarine LIGHTS COME ON....
And the service elevator is intact.
INT. ANTEROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen steps through and embraces Calvin joyfully. The
old folks break into a dance as Adam enters.
ADAM
Well, do we just go on up?!
CALVIN
(quickly back to business,
and way too dramatic)
No, son! We wait for night. Now...is
precisely when... we must be at our...
most cautious.
HELEN
(barely a whisper, but
definitely tired of his
B.S.)
Oh, shit.
Helen's eyes widen and her hand flies up to her mouth.
She is just as shocked as Calvin.
CALVIN
Helen-Thomas-Webber! Maybe we have
been down here a little too long!
(to Adam)
Please excuse her French.
ADAM
Shit is a French word?
HELEN
Yes, yes it is!
CALVIN
It's an archaic colloquialism, roughly
meaning..."good".
HELEN
Yes! That's right!
ADAM
Oh.
(then)
Well...then...shit!
There is a pause, then:
CALVIN
C'est bon, Monsieur.
ADAM
Merci!
SCENE 71 OMITTED
EXT. THE MALT SHOP - NIGHT
Cars flash by in a rare L.A. DOWNPOUR. All that's left
of Mom's is an EMPTY BUILDING with a painted-out front
window and a "For Sale or Rent" sign. There's ANOTHER
SHOP attached to it CAMERA RIGHT but we can't see what it
is. The alley way on the left has always been there.
INT. MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
TWO DRUNK BUMS are sharing a bottle. One of them is the
Soda Jerk, now a dissipated middle-aged man (with a
tattoo on his forehead.)
SODA JERK
...all of these things...Alcoholics
Anonymous...Cocaine Anonymous...Heroin
Anonymous.
OTHER BUM
There's a Heroin Anonymous?
SODA JERK
Shut up! All of these things... ask
you to believe in a power greater than
yourself! Some sort of God on High!
Well...I have lifted my eyes skyward a
time or two... and I have certainly
not seen anything coming from up there
except a goddamn airplane -- that I
can't afford to get on!
The cement FLOOR of the old Malt Shop begins to QUIVER
AND RUMBLE.
OTHER BUM
Earthquake! Another earthquake!
SODA JERK
Let her come! Let's get this over
with! And please, if there is a God,
let it be worse in Bel Air!!
The Other Bum staggers to his feet and SPLITS for a back
window. Soda Jerk is fearless. Until finally the
HYDRAULIC DOORS of the back entrance SPLIT THE FLOOR with
an eerie, struggling whine and LARGE CHUNKS OF CEMENT GO
FLYING. Then up comes RED SUBMARINE LIGHT followed by
Calvin in his BIG YELLOW SUIT with Geiger counter
ticking.
SODA JERK
Oh, God! Oh, God!! Oh,God, save me!!
For I have seen the light!!
Calvin raises his hand and yells through his mask.
CALVIN
I come in peace!!
The Soda Jerk FAINTS. Calvin, sounding like a deep sea
diver and having to walk like Frankenstein, goes over to
the Soda Jerk and studies his face in the light of his
flashlight. He is horrified by what he sees.
CALVIN
My, gosh...
Calvin looks around the room and heads for the back. He
moves his Geiger counter around and gets a quiet (safe)
reading. Then he removes a KITCHEN MATCH from a plastic
container and strikes it against the wall. The MATCH
BURNS, so Calvin takes off his hood and visor and
breathes the air. It stinks in there.
EXT. MALT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER, RAINING
Calvin (out of the head gear and top of the suit) slowly
pushes the door open and steps out. He's surprised to
find an empty BODY SHOP behind the Malt Shop, where the
avocado trees should be.
CALVIN
Where is my backyard?
He points his flashlight around and heads for the ALLEY
to his left.
EXT. ALLEY - A MOMENT LATER, RAINING
DERELICT CARS left over from the Body Shop sit against a
fence. Calvin marvels at the cars, even in their present
condition. In a TIGHTER SHOT he studies the chrome-
plated word "Toyota." A HOMELESS MAN arrives to search
through the garbage. Calvin hurries back towards the
avenue.
SCENE 76 OMITTED
EXT. MALT SHOP - TEN MINUTES LATER, RAIN
Calvin emerges from the alley that separates the Malt
Shop from another storefront (perhaps now a rundown Thai
restaurant.)
CLOSER ON HIM
watching the cars fly by on the wet avenue. Suddenly, a
cross-dressing STREET WALKER steps up to him with a
cigarette.
STREET WALKER
You got a light, honey?
CALVIN
What?! A light! Yes, I've got a
light!
STREET WALKER
Good.
Fumbling, he finally gets her little cigar lighted with
one of his kitchen matches.
CALVIN
So...you...survived the blast, did
you?
STREET WALKER
The blast? Honey, I have survived a
host of things. Like the song says: "A
country boy can survive!"
CALVIN
Yes, yes, the song. So tell me...has
it been...hell up here?
STREET WALKER
"Hell up here?" Honey, it's been hell
up here, down there and over yonder!
Hell everywhere.
CALVIN
Yes, I can tell that just looking
around.
(then)
"Boy?" Did you say you were a
"country boy?"
STREET WALKER
Cute Little Old Man, if you want a
boy, I can be a boy. And if you want
a girl, I can be a girl. I can be
anything you want me to be!
CALVIN
Really?
STREET WALKER
Uh-huh. And it's all yours for the
remarkably low price of only $200!
And if you act now, I might even throw
in some free lawn furniture.
CALVIN
(stumbling away from her)
No, I can't. I'm sorry! I have to
go! I have to...
He breaks into a trot, heading up the street past a seedy
BAR (used to be the convenience store) just as a
hopelessly DRUNK HAG of a woman is shoved out and told to
stay out. Calvin watches as the woman stumbles to the
curb where she TOSSES her cookies. TWO LOW RIDERS HOP BY
full of TAUNTING YOUNG HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS, one of whom
BRANDISHES A PISTOL and, just for fun, points it at
Calvin. When Calvin sees the pistol he ducks into the
ADULT BOOKSTORE. The young gang member pulls the trigger
and we (not Calvin) see that the realistic-looking pistol
is really a water gun.
INT. ADULT BOOK AND VIDEO STORE
Calvin races in and, gathering himself, addresses the
PAKISTANI MAN behind the counter.
CALVIN
Hello! How are you this evening?!
Mind if I, you know, browse around?!
The clerk just watches him.
CALVIN
Thank-Q very much!
Then Calvin turns and has his first look at the
material...and he GRABS HIS HEART and SCREAMS and FALLS
back KNOCKING OVER a whole ROW OF VIDEOS AND MAGAZINES.
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - AN HOUR LATER
Calvin sits at the breakfast table, still breathing hard
and holding his chest. His family looks on with great
concern. The anti-radiation suit and gear is piled in
the corner.
CALVIN
I'm going to give it to you straight.
There's no point in beating around the
bush. There were survivors.
Apparently,
the fallout has created....a
subspecies of mutants.
HELEN
Mutants?!
CALVIN
It's not a pretty sight. Some eat out
of garbage cans. Others are...cover
your ears, Son, and hum. I mean that
literally and I mean right now!
ADAM covers his ears and hums.
CALVIN
Others are...multi-sexual. It
seems...they can be both masculine and
feminine...simultaneously.
HELEN
No.
CALVIN
Yes.
HELEN
I don't believe it!
Helen copes by moving around the kitchen doing things
that don't need to be done.
CALVIN
Believe it. He tried to sell me his
body, Helen.
(beat)
They offer lawn furniture as a come
on!
She slumps, then resumes her needless activity. Calvin
takes Adam's arm and the son drops his hands and stops
humming.
CALVIN
They've done a lot of re-building but
society, at least as we knew it, has
utterly collapsed. People throw up in
the streets. Others point guns.
There's something terribly wrong with
the automobiles and...and I...I can't
tell you the rest. I just can't.
HELEN
Oh my. Oh,my, oh my, oh, my. So,
what do we do now?
CALVIN
We stay down here.
HELEN
We do?
CALVIN
Yes.
HELEN
Excuse me.
She hurries into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen let's out a silent scream, then hurries back into
the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
HELEN
For how long? We've just about run
out of everything!
CALVIN
We'll make do. I'm of the opinion
that these mutants will eventually
kill each other off and then--
HELEN
(rising)
No, Calvin. We're not going to make
do. Not me! Not Adam. We're going
up no matter what! We deserve it.
Even if it's terrible!
CALVIN
Well, I am the head of this household--
HELEN
I want him to at least see the sky!
CALVIN
--and we will--
HELEN
And the ocean! A mountain range!
CALVIN
--do as I say!
Breathing heavily, Calvin suddenly clutches at his chest
in great pain and collapses.
ADAM
Dad!
HELEN
Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Let's get
him into the bedroom.
INT. HALLWAY - HOURS LATER
Adam paces. Then Helen comes out. Behind her, we can
see Calvin sleeping in his bed. She heads for the living
room. He follows.
HELEN
He seems to be doing all right now. I
don't know if he's had a heart attack
or just... a horrifying experience.
But we need supplies and I've got to
stay with him.
ADAM
I'll go up.
They go through the living room and cross to the patio.
HELEN
I'm afraid you've got to.
ADAM
I'll be all right.
HELEN
(patting his cheek)
You're my brave boy.
Helen hands him a pencil and pad. Adam follows her to the
fish farm.
HELEN
Just act normal. If anybody asks,
simply say you're from out-of-town,
and that you're in town on business.
Write that down.
He does.
HELEN (cont'd)
I'm going to give you a shopping list
and some money. We need just enough
things to get us through the next year
or two. And you'll find most of these
items at what used to be called a
grocery store or a hardware store.
Write that down.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
At the fish tank, Helen pulls up a slim chain that is
attached to a water-tight aluminum box which she quickly
opens. The box contains $6,000 in wrapped one hundred
dollar bills. Helen takes half of it.
HELEN
I don't know how far you'll have to
travel to find supplies, but if you
can't get home by nightfall, I want
you to look for something called a
Holiday Inn. Write that down. It's a
hotel. There might still be one
standing.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
HELEN
Let's get you packed.
She heads back for the house. He follows.
ADAM
Right.
HELEN
(indicating money)
I just hope this is still good up
there.
ADAM
Mom?
HELEN
Yes?
ADAM
I was thinking that, uh...you know,
while I was up there and all...that
maybe I could, you know...try to meet
a girl. I've, been thinking about
that a little...just these
last...fifteen years or so.
They have stopped by the garden.
HELEN
Oh, Adam,that would be wonderful if
you could find a girl. One who's not a
mutant...and hopefully comes from
Pasadena. Nothing against Valley
girls,
but in my day anyhow, the girls from
Pasadena, I don't know...always just
seemed a little nicer.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
They hug.
HELEN
Oh, there's also a thing called a
liquor store. Write that down.
INT. ADAM'S ROOM - AN HOUR LATER
He is packing. He looks at his cigar box and opens it. He
studies the contents: The Cards, stock certificates, and
an old photo of his parents. He decides to pack the box.
Helen enters with a long shopping list.
HELEN
Here's the shopping list and $3,000
which should take care of everything.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
HELEN
Your father has a few final words for
you. You know, he'd fight a buzz saw
for you - he loves you so much. We
both do.
ADAM
Heck, I know that mom! You're my
parents.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Adam sets down his suitcase and goes to his father's bed.
He sits. At the door, Helen dries her eyes with her
apron. Calvin indicates that he wants to whisper to
Adam, who drops his ear close to his father's lips.
CALVIN
Adam...don't forget...don't forget ...
ADAM
Yes, father?! Yes?
CALVIN
...the pipe tobacco.
ADAM
Yes, sir. Is that all?
Calvin nods. Adam rises and starts for the door. But
Calvin remembers something and beckons him back to speak
weakly into his son's ear.
CALVIN
Also...stay out of the "Adult
Bookstore."
ADAM
Adult Bookstore. Why?
CALVIN
Poison gas. Invisible. Don't forget.
ADAM
I promise. Is that all?
CALVIN
One more thing. If you find a healthy
young woman, bring her back with you.
ADAM
I'll try.
And then Calvin closes his eyes and sleeps.
INT. MALT SHOP - SAME DAY
The Soda Jerk has turned the rear exit into a religious
shrine. He's put flowers and candles and costume jewelry
and religious icons (from all the Majors) on top of and
around the broken cement. Currently he's on his knees,
rocking back and forth as he prays.
And,lo! There came a rumbling even as from the very
bowels of the earth and a great light showed forth
followed by gates of armor which opened and shut and
delivered up the vision of a young man whose countenance
caused the Soda Jerk to be struck dumb and to fall on his
face and to weep in fear. And, Adam, taking pity on the
man, put down his suitcase, and went to him, saying:
ADAM
Are you all right?
SODA JERK
Yes! Yes! Oh, Lord! Yes, oh, yes!
But where is the one who came last
night -- all in yellow?!
ADAM
All in yellow? Oh! That was my
father!
SODA JERK
Ooooohhhh!! Of course! The father!
Forgive me!! Can you forgive me for
my wasted life?! Everything has been
so awful!!
ADAM
(comforting him)
I know it has been terrible. But it
wasn't your fault. And now all the
decay is over with and things are
going to get better. You understand?
SODA JERK
Yes.
ADAM
I've got to go, now.
SODA JERK
Of course you do. I'll stay here and
pray.
ADAM
(picking up his suitcase)
That's always a good idea! Would you
like some money? I have a great deal
of it.
SODA JERK
No. I don't need money anymore -- I
see that now.
ADAM
How do I leave here?
SODA JERK
The front door is open. Will you be
back?
ADAM
I promise.
Adam turns and leaves. The Soda Jerk falls to his knees
and shakes all over.
EXT. MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
Adam steps out onto the sidewalk and sunlight falls on
him much brighter than anything he has ever seen. He
looks at it on the arm of his coat and then, slowly, he
looks up at the sky.
INTERCUT - LOVELY CLOUDS AND BLUE SKY
And now it is Adam who is dumbstruck. BYSTANDER #1
appears and sees Adam looking up.
BYSTANDER #1
What? What is it?!
ADAM
The sky!!!
BYSTANDER #1
The sky? Where?
ADAM
(pointing)
Up there!!
BYSTANDER #1
I don't see anything!
ADAM
Just look!!
Adam becomes momentarily interested in a parking meter.
A MOTHER and her CHILD approach from the other direction.
WOMAN
What is it!
BYSTANDER #1
(pointing)
He sees something.
MOTHER
What?
CHILD
I see it, mommy!
BYSTANDER #2
Where?!
Several more people are drawn over. A CONVERTIBLE goes by
in the foreground with passengers who are looking up.
WOMAN
What is it?
ADAM
I have never in my life seen anything
like this!!!! Nothing even comes
close!!
Adam continues down the sidewalk,looking up. A BLACK
WOMAN POSTAL WORKER passes by.
POSTAL WORKER
Whatcha looking at?
ADAM
Oh, my holy stars! A Negro!
POSTAL WORKER
(with attitude)
Say what?!
ADAM
(offering his hand)
How do you do, ma'am.
POSTAL WORKER
(leary, but taking his hand)
I do alright.
ADAM
Good!
The Pakistani exits the Adult Bookstore.
PAKISTANI
What is it?! What do you see?!
When Adam looks down to answer the man he sees the "Adult
Bookstore" sign.
ADAM
Oh, no!
PAKISTANI
What?!
ADAM
Poisonous gas!! Run for your life,
it's invisible poisonous gas!!!
And everyone does run away, including Adam. The avenue is
left totally deserted.
INT. KITCHEN NOOK - SAME DAY
Helen sits sipping tea, deep in thoughts of concern for
Adam. Behind her Calvin appears in the open window.
CALVIN
You know--
Helen is so startled she knocks the tea all over the
place.
CALVIN (cont'd)
I just wanted to say that I think he's
going to be just fine.
HELEN
(holding her heart)
Thank you, Calvin. Thank you very
much.
Calvin leaves, then comes back.
CALVIN
He's smart.
HELEN
Yes, dear, I know.
SCENE 85A OMITTED
EXT. CORNER BUS STOP - AFTERNOON, SAME DAY
An L.A. bus comes directly at CAMERA.
ANGLE - THE DRIVER
is startled. He reacts.
ANGLE - DRIVER'S FOOT
slamming down the brake pedal.
ANGLE - ADAM
in profile. The braking bus stops an inch from his nose.
Adam smiles. (Have him head for bus door in this angle.)
ANGLE - THE DRIVER
from over Adam. He is in shock.
INT. BUS - A MOMENT LATER
Start on a MOVING STEADY CAM SHOT on Adam's POV of bus
passengers as he heads for a seat. The passengers look at
him in amazement and some fear.
ANGLE - ADAM
going to his seat; smiling at the passengers. (He is
carrying a $100 bill.)
ADAM
Hello! Hi. Good afternoon! Howdy.
Adam finds a seat next to a heavily perspiring young
PSYCHO HEROIN ADDICT.
ANOTHER ANGLE OF THEM
Adam shows the Psycho the $100 bill.
ADAM
I tried to give the driver this but he
wouldn't take it. He seems angry. A
lot of people do.
The bus pulls out. It gets up to about twenty miles an
hour.
ADAM (cont'd)
Oh, boy! Here we go! We're moving!
Wow.
INTERCUT: PASSENGERS
looking back at Adam with concern.
ADAM (CONT'D)
So this is public transportation. My
Dad says that it becomes more and more
important because of pollution --
which is more and more carbon dioxide
and other hazardous gases in the air.
(then, confidentially)
Do you have a gun, by the way?
The increasingly nervous Psycho looks around, then nods
that he does.
ADAM (cont'd)
Well, thanks for not waving it around.
And for not vomitting, for that
matter. Wow, we're really flying. Say,
do you know where I could find a
grocery store?
The psycho shakes his head.
ADAM (cont'd)
I have to find that. And a hardware
store and a liquour store and a
standing Holiday Inn. Although, I may
not need the Holiday Inn. That's still
kind of up in the air. It depends
really on how things go.
PSYCHO
(pointing)
There's a grocery store coming up.
ADAM
Thank-Q!
(jumping up)
Driver! Please stop the bus
immediately! I have to get off!
(then an aside to the psycho)
Do you think I should get a gun?
PSYCHO
I don't know...maybe.
ADAM
(back to driver)
Driver! Please stop, sir!
INTERCUT - DRIVER IN THE REAR VIEW
He's not going to stop until he wants to stop.
ANGLE - OLD JEWISH COUPLE PASSENGERS.
who are anxious for Adam to leave.
OLD JEWISH MAN
For the love of God! Let him off the
bus!! Can't you see he's meshugina!
Adam leans in close to the OLD MAN.
ADAM
I'm sorry, what did you call me?
The man and his wife take that the wrong way and start to
scream.
ANGLE - THE DRIVER'S FOOT
hitting the brakes.
EXT.- BUS
stopping suddenly. Through the windows we see Adam go
down.
INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
The back door opens as Adam gets up.
ADAM
Thank you, driver! Good-bye, everyone!
Adam exits the bus. Everyone, including the Psycho,
heaves a huge sign of relief.
INT. SUPER MARKET - MINUTES LATER
Adam enters and (after getting over the automatic doors
and the check-out technology) is overwhelmed by the
magnificence of the postmodern California supermarket.
The check-out counters alone are amazing. Seeing others
do it, he takes a cart, placing his suitcase in it.
INT. BAKERY COUNTER
Adam passes the baked goods, paying particular attention
to the elaborate birthday cakes.
ADAM
Is that a birthday cake?!
CLERK
Yes, it is.
ADAM
Gee-ma-nee!
Adam leaves. The clerk turns to a fellow worker.
CLERK
Bakersfield.
INT. AISLE
Adam marvels at the abundance and variety. He passes a
mother whose child is riding in the cart and that reminds
him of his own mom -- when she used to let him ride that
way. Then he is surprised to see a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE so
casually dressed in public. She (overweight) is in an
unfortunate terrycloth halter-shorts combination. He
(hirsute) is in a sleeveless undershirt and baggy bathing
trunks.
ADAM
(to himself)
My first mutants.
INT. FRESH PRODUCE
Adam picks up one of those huge California cucumbers that
always amaze Easterners. He shows it to the JAPANESE-
AMERICAN CLERK.
ADAM
Is this because of the radiation?
CLERK
What?
ADAM
Nothing.
INT. MEAT COUNTER
Adam is looking at the live lobsters as a BUTCHER steps
up.
BUTCHER
Help you?
ADAM
Yes, please.
(consulting his Mom's list)
I'm looking for all beef patties.
BUTCHER
Fresh or frozen?
Adam chuckles because he thinks the man is kidding.
ADAM
Come on. Frozen. How much are they?
BUTCHER
Frozen, they're six-thirty a dozen in
the three pound box.
ADAM
Then I'll need, twelve into nine
hundred, seventy-five boxes. And
that's almost...five hundred dollars
just for the hamburger! And my Mom
only gave me three thousand dollars
for everything! The yacht batteries!
The diesel oil! The birthday candles!
BUTCHER
You could have a meat order that big
delivered to your home.
ADAM
Really?!
BUTCHER
Sure.
ADAM
Well, that's great then!
Terrific...except...it just occurred
to me. I don't know where I live! I'm
lost! I don't know where home is!
(then)
Would you excuse me?
BUTCHER
Gladly.
Adam hurries away.
SCENE 93 OMITTED
SCENE 94 OMITTED
A MONTAGE
of Adam on another bus. He looks frantically out the
window. We see his POV of shops and stores and people. At
one point he sees two women joggers which he wonders
about. Then he sees two men arguing violently. Gradually
late day turns to night and Adam becomes more and more
depressed. Then he sees something. He is elated. He jumps
up and tells the driver:
ADAM
Driver! Stop this bus immediately!
Please sir!!
EXT. - VENTURA BLVD - NIGHT
The bus stops mid-block and Adam gets off. He crosses the
street causing only one car to hit the brakes. On the
other side of the avenue we see what has gotten his
attention. It's an ADULT BOOKSTORE much like the last one
we saw (probably owned by the same chain.) He's happy but
when he looks next door he sees he's in a different
place. Sad and lost he turns north and starts to walk
until -- a billboard catches his attention. We pan up to
see a billboard for liposuction that features an almost
NUDE WOMAN. Adam is struck by the image and we spend some
time cutting between him and it. Then gathering himself
he turns and begins to walk south.
ANOTHER ANGLE
of him as he passes a BODY PIERCING STORE and wonders
about that. Then he sees something that blows his mind.
WIDER ANGLE
of a STRAY DOG passing by. Adam reacts.
ADAM
Oh my. Oh, my goodness gracious! Oh,
my...Oh. That is so great!! Man alive!
ANGLE - CU OF BASEBALL CARDS STORE WINDOW
A sign says: COMIC BOOKS & BASEBALL CARDS BOUGHT, SOLD &
TRADED.
INT. CARD AND COMIC STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Adam enters with his suitcase in one hand and his cigar
box in the other. He steps up to the counter where the
owner (JERRY) sits reading the newspaper. He has a
fondness for Navajo jewelry.
ADAM
Hello.
JERRY
(gives him a look, then goes
back to reading)
Hi.
A YOUNG WOMAN enters from the back of the store and goes
to another counter. Neither man notices.
ADAM
The name is Adam Webber and I see you
buy baseball cards and although these
are a lot older than the ones in the
window, I was hoping you still might
be interested.
He flips open the cigar box to reveal to Jerry riches
beyond his wildest dreams. Jerry actually moans and then
must pretend the moan was a cough.
JERRY
How--how much do you want for the
Mickey Mantle, rookie season?
ADAM
I was thinking of selling all the
cards.
JERRY
Really? No kidding?
He reaches in and looks through the cards.
ADAM
See, my problem is, all I have are
hundred dollar bills and I need
something smaller. Ones, fives, tens.
Like that.
JERRY
I see what ya mean. Tell you
what...I'll give you five hundred
dollars in small bills for the whole
box.
ADAM
Oh, that would be wonderful!
JERRY
Well, we're here to help!
A woman steps into the shot. She has come from the back
of the store and her back is momentarily to us.
EVE (OC)
Oh, shit!
Adam turns to her and is immediately awe struck. We
reveal EVE RUSTOKOV. She tosses her lipstick into her
purse. Eve works in the card shop and is on her way out.
JERRY
I'm workin' here, Evey-poo. Don't
screw me up.
ADAM
Bon soir, mademoiselle!
EVE
Are you French?
ADAM
No.
(then, thinking fast)
I'm from out of town.
(then sensing the need for
further clarification)
I'm here on business.
EVE
Well, your business must not be sports
memorabilia, because this one Mantle
card right here--
(holds up a card)
--is worth six thousand dollars all by
its little self.
ADAM
Get out of here!
EVE
No, you get out of here.
She closes his cigar box and gives it to him.
JERRY
Terrific...you're fired! You know
that?!
EVE
No, ferry--excuse me, Jerry, I quit.
She walks back to the counter to get her coat.
JERRY
Oh, no! I fired ya! Just like the hair
salon guy and the Chevy dealer! You
know why you can't keep a goddamn
job?! Because you can't keep your
goddamn mouth shut! That's why!
Jerry is surprised when Adam suddenly takes his arm
firmly.
ADAM
Sir? I would really appreciate it if
you wouldn't take the Lord's name in
vain again.
JERRY
(looking at Adam's hand)
Oh, you got a problem with that?
ADAM
I have a big problem with that.
Eve sees a fist fight coming. She takes Adam by the arm.
EVE
Come on, Heathcliff, I'll walk you to
the corner.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am. But my name is Adam.
EVE
Just come on.
They head for the door and exit.
JERRY
Hah! Adam and Eve! The perfect
match! I hope you two will be very
happy together! Mazel-fuckin'-tov!
Don't try coming back, Ms. Big Shot!
I'm serious this time! You're finished
in the hobby business! Take that to
the bank, why don'tcha!
Adam re-enters.
ADAM
I didn't want to leave without saying
how much I admire your jewelry.
JERRY
Hey, smart ass, how 'bout I kick your
butt?
Adam walks towards the man smiling.
ADAM
How 'bout you what?
Jerry takes a nervous step backwards, but Eve steps back
in and pulls Adam out.
EVE
I said come on!
Adam exits. Jerry doesn't know what to say.
EXT. CARD STORE - NIGHT
They exit the store.
ADAM
Where are we going?
EVE
We? I'm going home. And, judging by
that coat, I'd say you have to get
back to the barber college.
ADAM
No, I'm lost.
EVE
You're lost?
ADAM
Say,...did you just lose your job
because of me?
EVE
Forget it. I'm sick of working for
that dickhead.
ADAM
Dickhead?
EVE
A walking penis capable of intelligent
speech. A dickhead.
A mental picture of that causes Adam to slump against a
store window and drop his box of cards.
EVE
What's wrong with you?
ADAM
I just had a mental picture of...
EVE
Here, pick these up!
Together they pick up the cards.
EVE (cont'd)
Where are you parked?
ADAM
I came on a bus.
EVE
Why doesn't that surprise me?
ADAM
I don't know. Why doesn't it?
They rise.
EVE
Well, I guess because I'm a little
psychic...I have this thing.
ADAM
Oh, that's nice.
EVE
Let me guess something. This is your
first visit to La La Land. You're
staying somewhere over in Hollywood
because, like an idiot, you thought
that would be an exciting place to
stay. Right so far?
ADAM
(could be a question, could
be an answer.)
So far?
EVE
Yes, I'm right?
ADAM
Right.
EVE
I knew it! So anyhow, you get on a bus
and before you know it, you're out
here in the San Fernando Valley
without a clue. Which brings us to
here. Correct again?
ADAM
Again.
EVE
Where are you staying? The Holiday
Inn?
ADAM
Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn! That's
exactly right!
EVE
See? I'm psychic. Not completely, but
pretty much. That was pretty good,
wasn't it?!
ADAM
It was amazing.
EVE
Yeah. Thanks. Anyhow, let me predict a
bus for you to get on.
ADAM
Do you own a car?
EVE
I'm not taking you there, Sweetie.
Rule Number One in North America: No
strangers in the car.
ADAM
If it will make you feel any better, I
don't have a gun.
EVE
You don't?
ADAM
Nope.
EVE
Well, that changes everything. Get the
fuck away from me!! I mean it!!
She races around the corner. He goes after her.
ADAM
I'm sorry! I said something wrong,
didn't I! Please forgive me!
EVE
Get away from me!!
She runs into a parking lot. He follows.
ADAM
Wait! Please wait! I'll make a deal
with you! I'll give you a Rogers
Hornsby, if you'll take me to the
hotel!
EVE
Rogers Hornsby?!?
ADAM
He's all yours. I was holding him
back.
Adam takes a Hornsby card from his coat pocket and shows
it to her.
EVE
Rogers Hornsby's worth like four
thousand dollars!
ADAM
So what?! I've got two of him!
(removing more cards from his
pocket)
And this many DiMaggios and Robinsons.
I was holding these out, too.
She arrives at her car (dirty GEO) and anxiously unlocks
the driver's door.
EVE
So for four thousand dollars, all I
have to do is drive you to your hotel?
ADAM
Yes.
EVE
And that's it?
ADAM
Yes.
EVE
I don't have to take a physical in
your space ship?
ADAM
Heck, no! What?!
EVE
Okay. What the hell? You got a deal.
Get in.
She gets in. He gets in the back seat behind her.
EVE (cont'd)
The front seat!
He runs around to the front while Eve chats with herself.
EVE (cont'd)
Why am I doing this? What in the hell
is wrong with me? That's what I'd like
to know.
SCENE 99 OMITTED
EXT. HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY - MINUTES LATER
Traffic is moving at fifteen miles an hour. The dash
lights fascinate him but the car scares him. She notices
that he is gripping the seat belt for dear life.
EVE
So...Mister Andretti, your first time
on the freeway?
ADAM
It's Webber. Adam Webber.
EVE
Mind if I change the station?
Better traffic reports on AM.
She switches over to AM and runs by a Perry Como record,
"Round and Round", looking for traffic.
ADAM
Wait! Wait!
EVE
What is it?!
ADAM
It's Perry!
EVE
Perry?
ADAM
Perry Como! You had him! Go back!
Go back!
EVE
Okay, okay! Take it easy!
She gets Perry.
EVE
How's that?
ADAM
(star-struck)
Oh, I could die...
EVE
Over this?
ADAM
Yeah! Listen to this part. This is
where it really takes off!
EVE
You are one scary son-of-a-gun.
EXT. FREEWAY
Eve's car splits for the exit ramp.
INT. EVE'S CAR
The sudden speed scares Adam.
ADAM
Hey, what are you doing?!
EVE
I know a short-cut.
EXT. OFF RAMP
She comes off, catches the light and whips onto the
surface street, tires squealing.
INT. CAR
Adam is hanging onto his seat belt. Eve puts the pedal to
the metal.
ADAM
Gee-zooie!! You better slow down!!!
EVE
I can't help it. Perry Como always
does this to me! I just get so
cranked!
She turns Perry way up.
EXT. AVENUE
Eve does a dandy job of trading lanes and passing. The
little Geo's engine screams. Adam's sort of getting into
it.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD HOLIDAY INN - TEN MINUTES LATER
The Geo flies up to a quick stop.
INT. CAR
Eve turns to Adam, who has had A Life Experience.
EVE
Card, please. End of service.
He hands over the card like someone in a post-sex stupor.
ADAM
That was...wonderful! I've never felt
anything like that in my life.
EVE
Yeah, same here. Don't forget your
suitcase.
ADAM
Right.
He gets out with the suitcase, and after shutting the
door leans down to speak to her.
ADAM
You know--
She tears off, leaving him there.
INT. HOTEL REGISTRATION - MINUTES LATER
Adam addresses the clerk.
ADAM
Good evening. I want to stay at this
hotel.
CLERK
Fill this out please. And I'll need a
card.
ADAM
A card?
CLERK
Yes, sir.
ADAM
Of course!
Adam gives him a baseball card.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT
A BELLBOY ushers Adam in and sets down his bag.
BELLBOY
Bathroom's there, TV's over there.
Remote's on top. Room Service menu is
on the table.
Adam picks up the phone and listens.
BELLBOY (CONT'D)
You dial nine to get out.
ADAM
(beat, then)
Of what?
BELLBOY
(beat, then)
The hotel.
ADAM
(beat, then he hangs up)
I see. Well, thank you very much.
You've been very, very nice.
He offers two dollars.
ADAM (cont'd)
I was able to get some change
downstairs and my father taught me
that it's customary to tip in a
situation such as this.
BELLBOY
Thank you. Your father is a smart guy.
ADAM
My father is a genius.
BELLBOY
No kiddin'. Well...good night.
ADAM
Good night! Sleep tight. Don't let
the bedbugs bite! That's what my Mom
always says...
(choking up)
...who I'm really beginning to miss.
I'm sorry. It's my first night away
from home.
BELLBOY
How old are you?
ADAM
Thirty-five.
BELLBOY
You don't look thirty-five.
ADAM
How old do I look?
BELLBOY
Twenty-five? Around there.
ADAM
I guess living up here makes people
look older.
BELLBOY
Up here on the fifteenth floor?
ADAM
(catching himself)
Yes. Up here on the fifteenth floor.
Goodnight.
BELLBOY
Goodnight.
Adam abruptly shuts the door in the man's face.
He goes to the window and looks out. The height scares
him to death. He jumps back.
INT. SHELTER, DINNER TABLE - SAME TIME
Adam's parents pray.
CALVIN
And Lord we ask finally that you send
an angel to look after and protect our
beloved son, Adam. Amen.
HELEN
Amen.
She begins to tear up and he pats her hand.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAWN
Adam sits by the window watching his first dawn.
EXT. HOLIDAY INN - MORNING
It's another bright, smoggy day. And here comes Eve,
marching from the parking garage to the hotel entrance.
EVE
(skyward)
What in the hell am I doing here?!
That's what I'd like to know! Somebody
tell me that.
INT. FRONT DESK - MOMENTS LATER
Eve is speaking to a DESK CLERK.
DESK CLERK
You don't have a last name?
EVE
All I know is that his first name is
Adam. No! Adam Webber! That's it.
INT. ADAM'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
He is seated on the bed, transfixed, watching a
television commercial.The PHONE RINGS loudly. Adam
nearly jumps out of his skin. After he figures out where
the ringing is coming from, he answers the phone.
ADAM
(into phone, after a long
pause)
Yes?
INT. LOBBY
At the house phone.
EVE
(into phone)
Hi. This is the woman from the
baseball card store. Remember me?
INT. ADAM'S ROOM
Boy, is he glad to hear from her!
ADAM
Yes! Hello! Hi! Hot-diggity-dog!
Thank you for calling me on the
telephone!!
INT. LOBBY
Eve holds the receiver away from her for a moment.
EVE
Good grief. Hey listen, I'm in the
lobby.
(pause, then)
On the first floor! Where the hell
else would it be?
INT. LOBBY, ELEVATORS - MOMENTS LATER
The doors open and Adam hurries out, looking for Eve, who
he sees and goes directly to, smiling all the while like
a rumpled idiot.
ADAM
I am so glad to see you!! I thought
I'd never see you again!
EVE
Okay, down boy. (holds up the baseball
card) I can't take this for driving
you home. I wish I could, but I can't.
So here, take it back. I could have
just left it for you at the desk, but
it's very valuable. Now take it.
ADAM
I can't, it's yours.
EVE
Take it. damn it!
ADAM
(with hand over his mouth)
Okay.
He takes the card.
EVE
Why are you doing that?
ADAM
I haven't brushed yet.
EVE
Oh. Okay. Well, so long. Enjoy your
visit.
She heads for the front door. He goes after her.
ADAM
Wait, Eve, please! Wait.
EVE
Please don't follow me. Don't do it!
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
They exit.
EVE
I knew this would happen! You're like
a lost puppy!
ADAM
Can't you please just talk to me for
one second?
EVE
Okay! Damn!
She stops, he stops.
EVE (CONT'D)
I should have taken the money and run!
That's what Troy told me to do! But
do I listen? No! Put your hand down!
He does.
ADAM
Troy? Is he your husband? Or a
boyfriend?
EVE
No.
ADAM
(eyes to heaven)
Thank-Q!
EVE
Oh, stop that! God! Listen, I know
you like me. I can tell. But you know
what? A lot of guys like me. Not me,
exactly. It's more like the legs or
the butt or the hair. Or some
combination of the above.
ADAM
I think it's the eyes.
EVE
The eyes. Okay. An eye-man. Anyhow,
it never works out. Okay? Not that
you even need to know that! You look
like crap, by the way. What have you
been doing?
ADAM
Watching television in color.
EVE
Hey, no kidding? In color?
ADAM
Cross my heart and hope to die.
She looks at him for a beat or two, then abruptly turns
away.
EVE
See, ya.
ADAM
Why doesn't it never work out?
EVE
What?
ADAM
Why does it never work out? You
and...men?
EVE
Why?! Who the hell knows?!
He follows closely. She stops.
EVE (cont'd)
Okay, if you promise to leave me
alone, I'll tell you.
ADAM
...Okay.
EVE
It never works out because I'm into
legs and butts and hair myself!
That's why! So I wind up with guys who
are very good looking, but
even more shallow than I am, if you
can picture that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
find another low-paying, demeaning job
where some guy named Jerry keeps
telling me how lousy his marriage is.
ADAM
Why not go to work for me?
EVE
Doing what?
ADAM
Selling all my baseball cards.
And helping me buy enough food and
supplies to fill several large trucks.
EVE
Food and supplies? Who for? Like
starving people?
ADAM
Well, they're not starving yet, but
they need help.
EVE
How long would you need me?
ADAM
Two weeks.
EVE
What's the pay?
ADAM
What's fair?
EVE
I've got to make at least a thousand a
week.
He gives her his patented thumbs up sign which of course
is exactly like his father's.
ADAM
You got it!
Wait here while I change.
EVE
Sure.
He walks back to the hotel.
EVE
(to herself)
My career's finally taking off...
EXT. MARINE WHOLESALE SUPPLY, MARINA DEL REY - DAY
Heavy-duty BOAT BATTERIES are being loaded into a U-Haul
truck. The store MANAGER steps up to Eve who is
watching. Adam appears in the bg, thanking and being nice
to the MEN loading the truck. He looks mighty stupid in
another one of his Dad's old outfits.
MANAGER
Why would someone need twenty yacht
batteries?
EVE
I just work for the guy.
MANAGER
And who does he work for? The CIA?
EVE
Naw...it's some sort of charity
thing..I guess for starving people
with yachts.
INT. PRICE CLUB - LATER SAME DAY
Eve and Adam shop with two carts, both full of CASES OF
DR. PEPPER.
EVE
Why not buy them milk or something--
instead of Dr. Pepper?
ADAM
They like Dr. Pepper.
EVE
Who are these people?
ADAM
My Mom and Dad.
EVE
Very funny, smart ass.
ADAM
Hey! Pipe tobacco! I'm going to need
all of this! This is swell!
He goes over to a huge supply of Prince Albert.
EVE
(to herself)
Swell? Run, Eve. Run.
EXT. LOADING DOCK - SAME DAY
Eve and Adam watch as a man with a forklift puts a year's
supply of toilet paper into the back of the rental truck.
EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT - SAME DAY
A crowd has gathered to watch Adam and Eve empty seven
shopping carts full of non-perishable groceries.
ANGLE - 5 MINUTES LATER
Eve goes to get into the truck. Adam hurries by her.
ADAM
Wait! Wait!
EVE
What?
He opens the door for her. She shakes her head and gets
in.
EXT. HOLIDAY INN - THAT NIGHT
She drives the truck to a stop. He keeps the beat to the
song on the AM radio. It's Volar? Adam loves it. Eve
hates it. They come to a stop and she snaps off the
radio.
EVE
Well, another day, another dollar.
(then)
Stop staring at me!!
ADAM
Sorry.
He gets out.
EVE
Pick you up at eight tomorrow morning.
ADAM
Hey, you know. I was thinking...
EVE
Night!
She pulls away.
ADAM
Night!
EXT./INT. U-STORE-IT - NEXT DAY
Adam drags the last 50-pound bag of flour into a self-
storage locker and pulls down the sliding door which he
padlocks.
ADAM
We'll have to rent a refrigerated
truck for the beef and poultry.
EVE
It's your life. And, by the way, it's
a dandy.
ADAM
I guess we'll need another locker.
EVE
No problem. We'll just sell another
baseball card.
ADAM
You know, Eve -- don't get mad, okay? -
- but, I'd just be lost without you.
EVE
Thank you.
ADAM
And, um ...I guess...
I guess you and I, uh...
EVE
Adam? Don't even think about it.
Okay?
I'm sorry. I know that sounds mean,
but believe me, it would be meaner if
I didn't say it. Okay?
ADAM
Okay.
EVE
Now, let's take the truck back and get
something to eat.
She hops in behind the wheel. He (hurt) is a little
slower getting in his side.
EXT. FREEWAY - LATER, SAME DAY
Traffic is moving about forty miles an hour. Their truck
is in one of the middle lanes.
INT. U-HAUL - CONTINUOUS
Adam screws up his guts and turns to her.
ADAM
There's something else I would like
you to help me with.
EVE
Name it.
ADAM
Well, this is going to sound a little
crazy.
EVE
(laughing)
Oh, I'm sure it will!
ADAM
Then forget it.
EVE
No, no! I'm sorry! What is it?
ADAM
This is for me.
EVE
Think of me as your genie. Just ask.
ADAM
Well... Okay. I would like you to help
me find a...wife.
EVE
A wife?
ADAM
Yes.
EVE
What for?
ADAM
Because I want to get married.
EVE
Why?!
ADAM
I don't want to be alone.
EVE
You can be single and not alone.
Marriage bites!
ADAM
Bites what?
EVE
The big one!
ADAM
It does?
EVE
Sure.
ADAM
I didn't know that.
EVE
Everybody knows that. Ask my divorced
sisters. Or ask my divorced mom and
dad.
ADAM
They're all divorced?
EVE
Everybody's divorced.
ADAM
It didn't used to be that way.
EVE
I wouldn't know.
(then)
What kind of wife are you looking for?
ADAM
One who's not a mutant.
EVE
No dogs, huh? Okay.
ADAM
And if possible, I'd like to marry
someone from Pasadena.
She is speechless. Then:
EVE
When do you need her by?
ADAM
Two weeks.
EVE
Well, I could probably get you laid in
two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant
wife from Pasadena...that could take
some
time.
ADAM
That's what I was afraid of.
INT. DINER - LATER, SAME DAY
Adam and Eve are in a booth. The WAITRESS approaches with
sandwiches and drinks.
ADAM
What do you mean, you can get me laid?
He and the waitress look to Eve for an answer.
EVE
Could we talk about that a little
later?
ADAM
Of course.
EVE
(sugary, to waitress)
Thank you.
The amazed waitress leaves. Adam automatically lowers
his head and says grace. Two HAPPENIN' GUYS at the
counter look over and chuckle at the rube. Eve flips
them a mean bird and mouths the words "fuck you" as Adam
continues to pray. The guys shut up.
EXT. EVE'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
Eve shares a frame Santa Monica bungalow. It's in a
pretty nice neighborhood on a quiet street. Her GEO
FISHTAILS into the picture and comes to rest half in the
street, half on the curb. Adam is driving.
EVE
Get out!
ADAM
The engine is still running.
She rips the keys out of the ignition.
EVE
Now, get out!!
ADAM
Yes, ma'am!
EVE
Stop that ma'am crap!
ADAM
Sorry!
They get out.
EVE
You almost got us killed!
ADAM
I told you I've never driven before!
EVE
Never drive again!
ADAM
You said it would be easy!
EVE
I was wrong!!
ADAM
Is this your house?
EVE
Yes!
ADAM
I like it.
She storms off for the house where a YOUNG MAN is coming
out the front door in a cut-off T-shirt and spandex
exercise shorts.
EVE
Swell!
EXT. PORCH
CLIFF is leaving with a cardboard box full of clothes.
He is exceedingly GOOD LOOKING AND IN VERY GOOD SHAPE.
Eve and Adam come up the steps.
CLIFF
What are you bitching about now?
EVE
What are you doing here?
CLIFF
I forgot some of my stuff.
EVE
Your stuff? Let me see that.
She looks in the box. Holds up a pair of old briefs.
EVE
You came back for these?
CLIFF
Hey, they're Ralph Laurens. And who's
this interesting looking fellow?
EVE
This is Adam. Adam, meet Cliff.
ADAM
(offering hand)
How do you do?
CLIFF
I do fine, Adam. How 'bout yourself?
(eyeing Eve)
You doin' any good?
EVE
Go home, Cliff, wherever that might
be.
CLIFF
Shana Gillroy's apartment. Remember
her? The model who went to Harvard?
Well, I better get going! Bye, Adam.
Nice coat!
Cliff smiles and bounces down the steps.
ADAM
Why, thank you! Very nice to have met
you, Cliff!
(then to her)
May I ask you a question?
EVE
He's a former boyfriend. We lived
together for about six months. And
yes, I'll admit it. I've still kind
of got a thing for him.
(entering the house)
That's what you wanted to know, isn't
it?
ADAM
(following)
Actually,no. I was wondering why Cliff
likes to wear another man's
underpants.
EVE
(OC)
What?!
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Very good music is playing. Adam listens to one speaker
then crosses to listen to the other. Then he goes back to
the first.
INT.EVE'S KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Eve is pouring champagne into a glass that contains two
sugar cubes. Next she adds several dashes of bitters.
TROY, HER GAY ROOMMATE, throws together a tray of
appetizers as dinner cooks on the stove.
TROY
(sotto)
Eve! This guy is un-be-liev-able!
EVE
I knew you'd like him.
TROY
Darlin', this is X-File stuff! Think
about it! The guy's got all this
easily negotiable property. He's
obviously setting something up very
big. Like a self-sustaining island
off the coast of South America, for
instance. Or perhaps he's the head of
a cult that's doing weird things with
poultry and pipe tobacco. I've heard
worse.
He rushes out with the tray.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Troy enters with sushi appetizers. Adam is looking at the
ceiling.
ADAM
You have very nice ceilings.
TROY
I do? Well, thank you! You like
ceilings?
ADAM
Not particularly.
TROY
Well, I hope you like these! Fresh sea
urchin wrapped in seaweed. Or "nori"
if you prefer. I love sushi.
ADAM
I love Lucy!
TROY
You nut!
Eve enters with Adam's drink and two white wines.
.
EVE
Here you go. One champagne cocktail.
ADAM
Thank-Q!
EVE
I thought only hookers drank those
things.
ADAM
Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em!
Eve and Troy look at each other as she hands him his
wine.
TROY
Dinner in fifteen minutes. Why don't
we sit and chat.
They do.
TROY
So, Adam...where on earth are you
from?
EVE
Out-of-town. That's all he'll say.
ADAM
It's a very small place. People don't
even know it's there.
TROY
And it's called...?
ADAM
Maybe Eve can guess. She's psychic.
TROY
Really? Since when?
EVE
(defensive)
Since that guy rear-ended me in Palm
Springs.
TROY
Oh, yes.
EVE
I even guessed his hotel, didn't I?
ADAM
Right on the button.
TROY
Well, Dionne Warwick, guess his home
town.
EVE
Give me your hand.
TROY
(to himself)
Oh, my God...
Adam holds out his hand and she takes it, rubbing her
finger slowly and gently around in his palm. For her,
it's psychic stuff. For him, it's spine-tingling.
EVE
Okay, let's see...I'm not promising
anything. You okay?
ADAM
Um-hum.
EVE
I'm seeing...snow... lots of snow.
Way up North. Are we getting hot?
ADAM
Yes!
EVE
You live in...Alaska. The only way in
or out of your place is by plane
and... you've definitely come down
here for food and supplies and... to
find a wife!
ADAM
Wow.
She tosses back his hand and grabs her wine for a victory
gulp.
TROY
That's right?
ADAM
(to Eve)
I've never met anyone like you in my
life.
TROY
She's right?!
EVE
Hey, butthead, I'm clairvoyant.
ADAM
I've got goose-bumps all over me.
TROY
Why not just go to... Nome for
supplies and a wife? Isn't that
closer?
EVE
Yeah, right! That's where you'd go to
find girls! Nome. He's gay, by the
way.
ADAM
Good for you.
TROY
Well, we try. Listen, let me just ask
you a few questions. When did Alaska
become a state?
ADAM
1959.
TROY
Who use to own it?
ADAM
Russia.
TROY
When did we get it from them?
ADAM
1867. Seward's Folly. We paid 7.2
million dollars for it. A tidy sum
then, as well as now. I'm quoting my
father, of course.
TROY
What's the capitol?
ADAM
Juneau.
TROY
Hello! It's Anchorage! Gotcha!
ADAM
Sorry, that's the largest city.
Troy jumps up and runs out of the room.
ADAM
Where's he gone?
EVE
He's gone to check your answers on his
computer.
ADAM
He has a computer?
EVE
Sure.
ADAM
In the house?
EVE
No. We keep it in the backyard. Of
course, in the house. It's in there.
ADAM
May I please be excused?
EVE
Uh...yeah.
TROY'S OFFICE
He has "Alaska" on his computer screen. Adam enters and
looks at the computer, which captivates him.
ADAM
This must be very new.
TROY
Yeah.
ADAM
It's so small.
TROY
What are you talking about? This is
the new Mac. You a hacker?
ADAM
I don't think so.
TROY
You don't have a computer in your
cabin?
ADAM
No.
TROY
How do you get through those winters?
(reading screen)
Well, you're right. Juneau.
(then, covering the
screen with his hand)
What's the highest peak?
ADAM
Mt. McKinley. It's also the highest
point in North America.
TROY
(after peeking at the screen)
Okay, maybe she is psychic. Let's go
eat!
ADAM
(indicating computer)
That would knock my father out.
TROY
Yeah?
ADAM
Oh, yes.
(to himself)
It would probably kill him.
TROY
He's a Windows guy then, huh?
ADAM
Yes. He likes windows.
TROY
Well, I think Windows stink. What do
you think of that?
ADAM
...I guess it's...just a matter of
personal taste.
TROY
True.
Troy exits. Adam follows.
(EDITORIAL: Scenes 131, 132, and 133 should follow scene
134 rather than precede it.)
INT. SHELTER, MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin Webber is sleeping soundly. Helen stands quietly
at the door looking at him. She finishes off her
champagne cocktail and very quietly shuts the door.
INT. ANTEROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Helen goes into the elevator. Obviously, she's had too
much to drink.
INT. MALT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
The floor rumbles and the metal doors open emitting the
red light. Soda Jerk and TEN OF HIS FOLLOWERS stand up
expectantly and anxiously. Helen appears--and looks at
this terribly odd assortment of people.
SODA JERK
Who are you?!
HELEN
(beat, then)
I'm the mother.
SODA JERK
It's the mother!!
And they all fall down on their knees and worship her
with much wailing and rejoicing. Several speak in
tongues. Helen stares at them wide-eyed, presses the
button on the control box, and goes back down.
INT. DINING TABLE - NIGHT
Adam's impeccable table manners serve to highlight Eve's
and Troy's utter lack of same.
TROY
But first, you have to start with the
clothes!
EVE
Exactly.
(then to Adam)
You understand that, don't you? You
have no chance of meeting a woman
dressed like that.
ADAM
All right.
EVE
(to Troy)
So, what are you seeing?
TROY
(looking Adam over)
I don't know.
EVE
Money is no object. He's got cards up
the wazoo.
ADAM
The what?
EVE
Wazoo! Try to listen.
(then to Troy)
Whataya think? Surfer, grunge, hip-
hop, Euro trash?
TROY
You're serious, aren't you?
EVE
What's that supposed to mean?
TROY
It means that your taste in men's
apparel is as bad as your taste in
men.
EVE
Well, that's blunt!
TROY
I'm sorry. But if the shoe fits.
EVE
And I suppose you see him in some sort
of strapless thing, don't you?
TROY
I see "elegant."
EVE
Yeah? Like Ralph Lauren?
TROY
That's what I'm sensing.
ADAM
The guy with the underpants!
EVE
That's boring!
TROY
(indicating Adam)
Not on him.
ADAM
I'm not wearing his pants.
TROY
Why not? He has great pants.
ADAM
I just don't want to.
TROY
Okay.
EVE
Why don't you take him and pick out
his clothes?
TROY
Alright, I will.
EVE
(talking with her mouth full)
I'm busy tomorrow anyway. I have to
buy six thousand paper napkins.
TROY
What do you think, Adam?
ADAM
About clothing?
EVE
Yeah.
ADAM
Whatever you two want. If you've got
the time, I've got the wazoo.
Eve and Troy watch him eat for a beat or two.
TROY
Isn't it a little tiring to sit up
straight like that?
ADAM
No.
EVE
What about holding your right arm up
like that all the time?
ADAM
It's fine. Just give it a try.
And for gosh sake, Eve, take your foot
off the chair!
She does. Eve and Troy emulate Adam.
SCENE 135 OMITTED
SCENE 136 OMITTED
EXT. EVE'S HOUSE - DAY
Troy and Adam get out of Eve's car with a lot of
packages. They head for the house.
ADAM
I guess a lot of those tall buildings
we saw this morning are new.
TROY
Almost all of them.
ADAM
The recovery is very impressive.
TROY
The recovery? Oh , yeah! Hey, they
rebuilt the freeway in six months.
ADAM
Amazing. I'm very impressed.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - SAME DAY
Eve is on the couch doing her toenails when Adam and Troy
enter. Adam is in a casually elegant outfit that looks
terrific. Both he and Troy are carrying lots of other
packages and garment bags. We see names like Gucci,
Armani and Lauren. Eve is visibly impressed by Adam's
makeover.
TROY
Well, what do you think?
EVE
I think...it...works.
TROY
Let me show you the entire trousseau!
ADAM
But first let me show her these!
He reaches into a bag and removes a box that contains --
a pair of rollerblades.
ADAM (cont'd)
Eve, can I skate around your block?
TROY
(making it sexual)
How 'bout it, Eve? Can he skate around
your block?
EVE
(beat, then)
No.
SCENE 137A OMITTED
SCENE 137B OMITTED
SCENE 138 OMITTED
EXT. VENICE BEACH - LATER, SAME DAY
There is a most unusual band shell location on the beach
that is completely covered by graffiti. Eve and Troy sit
at one of the many stone tables watching Adam skate all
over the place. He wears spandex workout pants and a T-
shirt.
The starting CRANE SHOT begins on the nearly deserted
commercial section of Venice Beach and then takes us to
the band shell.
ANGLE - CLOSER
of him skating and them watching.
EVE
He's going to kill himself.
(then, to Adam)
Go skate out on the bike path! It's
that way!
ADAM
Okay!
He heads out of the band shell. We follow him as he
skates into an area that has been given over to the
homeless. They sit around in their sleeping bags and
blankets and cheer (and jeer) Adam when he passes by. He
takes them to be more mutants.
EXT. BIKE PATH - CONTINUOUS
Adam skates to it and is amazed to see two very pretty
girls skating in their tiny bikinis. A nearly nude body-
builder guy goes by on a bike. Then Adam sees the ocean.
ANGLE - WAVES
breaking on the beach and rocks.
EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS
Adam tosses off his roller-blades and walks trance-like
towards the waves.
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
appear on a dune behind him and watch.
ANGLE - ADAM
Adam raises his arms to greet the ocean, perhaps like a
Plains Indian would. Then he joyously runs into the surf
and dives.
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
watching.
EVE
That water's freezing!
TROY
He's from Alaska.
ANGLE - ADAM
He surfaces and throws his fists in the air.
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
TROY
That's why little things mean so much
to him.
ANGLE - ADAM
ADAM
I LOVE THIS!!
Begin the record "YMCA" over this.
INT. EVE'S LIVING ROOM - NEXT DAY
Eve enters from her morning shower to find Troy and Adam
goofing to The Village People song. She gives Troy a
disapproving look.
TROY
(defensive)
What?! He wanted to hear some
standards!
(My hip daughters tell me that "YMCA" is enjoying a huge
rebirth of popularity at their parties. Apparently they
line dance to it.)
EXT. FREEWAY - SAME DAY
A helicopter shot follows the U-Haul in traffic.
(Continue music.)
EXT. SELF-STORAGE - SAME DAY
Adam and Eve fill a second storage site. (Continue
music.)
EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND, PUBLIC PARK - DAY
We see the infield of a gay softball team wheel a double
play.
ANGLE - TROY AND ADAM
Cheering the play with other gay fans.
ADAM
I get it! I finally get it! You have
to see it to understand it!
Music ends.
INT. EVE'S KITCHEN - NEXT DAY (RAIN)
She looks out the back window at the rain and shakes her
head. She exits the back door with an umbrella.
EXT. EVE'S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Eve hurries to Adam who is sitting on a lawn chair in the
middle of the small back yard, enjoying the rain. She
holds the umbrella over her head.
ADAM
Hey, Eve!
EVE
Have you ever heard the saying, "He
hasn't got enough sense to come in out
of the rain?"
ADAM
Yep.
(then watching the rain hit
the palm of his hand)
You know, my father -- who is a
scientist -- says that everything is a
miracle. Everything. Until recently I
wasn 't sure what he meant by that.
EVE
Yeah? No kidding. Listen, you still
want to go girl hunting tonight?
ADAM
I certainly do!
EVE
Okay. But you know, this business of
finding you a wife -- it's kind of
ridiculous, don't you think?
ADAM
(rising)
No it's not!
EVE
Yes it is. A girlfriend maybe. But a
wife? I mean...
ADAM
Then just help me find a girlfriend!
That's all I ask.
I'll give you every single card I've
got left!
EVE
Hey, screw you! Okay? You think I'm
just somebody you can buy off! Listen,
let me tell you something--
ADAM
(taking her by the arms)
Would you do it just because you're my
friend? My very best friend.
EVE
Well...yeah. Okay.
He hugs her.
ADAM
Thank Q, Eve!
She's uncomfortable with the hug. Wait a minute. No she's
not.
EXT. "THE FORTIES" NIGHT CLUB - SAME NIGHT
This hip, up-market club is based on a 1940's theme.
Establish the YOUTHFUL RICH arriving in their black four-
wheel vehicles and silver Porsches. Coats and ties. Eve,
Troy and Adam arrive on foot. Adam notices the valet
parking.
ADAM
Why did you park way back there?
TROY
Miss Rustokov refuses to let total
strangers drive her car.
ADAM
Oh. I see.
Eve looks like she owns the place.
INT. NIGHT CLUB ANTEROOM - SAME TIME
As they enter Adam grabs Troy, who is leading the way.
TROY
What?!
ADAM
Ladies first, Troy! That was close.
Adam and Troy follow Eve in. The club is NOISY AND
HOPPING. The house music is from the 40's. Adam, Eve and
Troy enter a long corridor of booths and walk forward.
Adam's got on that terrific dark suit. Women notice. Eve
notices them noticing.
ADAM
My goodness gracious! This place is
something!
EVE
Look unimpressed.
TROY
Bored even.
Adam gives it a shot and goes too bored.
TROY
Vaguely bored!
He gets vaguely bored but misses unimpressed by a mile.
EVE
Unimpressed, but still interested.
He tries that. It's like watching a neon sign switch back
and forth: First interested, then not.
EVE
No! Not crazy!
ADAM
Do I look crazy?
EVE
Yes!
TROY
Be loose.
He overplays that.
EVE
Just be yourself.
TROY
Always good advice.
EVE
For him. It doesn't work for the rest
of us.
ADAM
Holy Mo-ly, Miss Pay-o-ly!! This place
is neat-o!!
Adam enters the main room. Eve and Troy follow.
INT. MAIN ROOM
There is a bar, a seated section, and a dance floor with
a DJ booth. The DJ is in a white dinner jacket and does a
perfect Humphrey Bogart impression as he ad libs his
speel between records.
ANGLE - BAR
JASON and JONATHAN wave when they see Eve and Troy
approaching. They ad-lib hellos. Here, and at the tables,
the recorded MUSIC IS SO LOUD THEY MUST SPEAK OVER IT.
EVE
Jason, Jonathan, this is Adam! Adam,
that's them!
They shake.
ADAM
How do you do?! It's very nice to meet
you, Jason and Jonathan!
(confidentially, to them)
My mother always told me that if you
meet a person for the first time it's
easier to remember their names if you
use those names right away.
Jason and Jonathan just stare at him.
TROY
He's from Alaska!
JASON/JONATHAN
(relieved)
Oh!
A slightly drunk beauty named SOPHIE appears behind Eve.
SOPHIE
Hi, there, Eve, who's the hunk?
Eve hates Sophie.
EVE
Get lost, Sophie.
Sophie pushes her way right up to Adam.
SOPHIE
Hi. I'm Sophie.
ADAM
Hello, Sophie, I'm Adam Webber.
JASON
Adam lives in Alaska.
SOPHIE
No shit?
ADAM
Tu parle Francais? Tu a un tres bon
accent.
SOPHIE
You speak beautiful French!
J'ai habit?a Paris un an.
ADAM
Paris!! La ville de lumieres!
C'est bien rencontrer quelqu'un pour
pratiquer le francais.
SOPHIE
Si tu veux, nous pouvons pratiquer
beaucoup des choses ensemble.
Eve steps in and takes Adam's hand, drawing him away from
Sophie.
EVE
Quit showing off! We're here on
business!
ADAM
Good-bye!
SOPHIE
Non, cherie. A bientot.
Eve leads Adam to a table. Troy follows.
ADAM
I thought I was here to meet women.
EVE
Not that one!
ADAM
I like her.
EVE
And don't be so obvious!
INT. TABLE - TEN MINUTES LATER
Adam, Eve and Troy examine female patrons over drinks.
It's white wine for her, imported beer for Troy, and a
Rob Roy for Adam.
EVE
What have you ordered?
ADAM
It's a Rob Roy. A very popular drink,
I'm told.
ANGLE - LOVELY BRUNETTE
slinking by.
ANGLE - TABLE
ADAM (OC)
What about her?
EVE (OC)
No way.
ADAM
Why?! I think she's very attractive.
EVE
Adam! She's got bitch written all
over her! You do know what "bitch"
means, don't you?
ADAM
Yes, I have a dictionary. But I can't
understand for the life of me why you
would call her that! Or why Cliff
would say that about you.
EVE
Because we're bitches! Look at her!
Look at the expression on her face!
The walk, the jewelry, the
fingernails. Please!
ADAM
How 'bout this one?
"This one" is a KILLER BLOND.
EVE
Are you kidding?! You wouldn't even
be a crumb on her table! You don't
see that?!
TROY
Eve?!
EVE
Well, I'm trying to educate him! It's
nothing personal.
TROY
Adam, I think for you, we should go
for "sweet."
ADAM
Okay. I like that.
EVE
(swigging her drink)
Yeah, sweet. That's a nice way of
putting it.
ADAM
(to Troy)
What do I say to Miss Sweet when I
meet her?
TROY
Um... Eve?
EVE
It's not so much what you say but how
you say it. Women like men who are
unpredictable.
ADAM
Really?
EVE
Yes, really! Basically, they want what
they think they can't have. Same with
guys. That's why everybody is walking
around here sending off "you can't
have me" signals!
ANGLE OF MEN AND WOMEN
doing precisely that. Then:
BACK TO TABLE
ADAM
That's ridiculous.
EVE
Maybe. But that's how it works.
TROY
Ah-ha! There's " Miss Sweet." At the
hors d'oeuvres table!
INTERCUT - MISS SWEET
She's a pretty young thing with a sweet face.
EVE
Yeah. Could be. Go say hello, Romeo.
Looks like a healthy non-mutant to me.
ADAM
(very serious)
Okay. All right.
(then)
And what do I say?
EVE
Say something surprising. And funny.
Lie, if need be.
TROY
Yes! Lying is always a very effective
dating tool.
ADAM
Okay. Thank you, my friends.
Adam rises.
ADAM (cont'd)
By the way, that's a great play.
EVE
What?
ADAM
Romeo and Juliet. I cried at the end.
EVE
Did you?
Adam nods and shoves off.
TROY
I'm not sure I want to watch this.
Eve puts her hand to her head -- hating herself and still
not sure exactly why.
ANGLE - ADAM
crossing to Miss Sweet.
ADAM
(to himself)
Surprising and funny. Well, I know a
duck who bought some lip balm...
INT. HORS D'OEUVRES TABLE
Adam sheepishly approaches Miss Sweet, then gathers
himself:
ADAM
Hi!
MISS SWEET
(not sweet)
Yes?
ADAM
(beat, then)
I was wondering if you might help me.
I...I seem to have lost my
Congressional Medal of Honor somewhere
around here.
Miss Sweet stares at him for a beat or two, then
chuckles.
MISS SWEET
Oh, now, that's a great one!
ADAM
(big smile)
You like it?
MISS SWEET
(a little clap)
Bravo!
ADAM
Thank-Q!
They both laugh.
ANGLE - EVE AND TROY
Stunned...as they watch Adam and Miss Sweet. Another
pretty young woman (HEATHER) joins Adam.
ANGLE - ADAM AND GIRLS
Heather is a friend of Miss Sweet's.
MISS SWEET
This is my new friend...
ADAM
I'm Adam Webber.
MISS SWEET
He's really funny!
HEATHER
Hi! I'm Heather!
ADAM
"Heather?" I don't believe I've ever
heard that name before.
There's a slight beat before both girls laugh.
HEATHER
Yeah, right!
MISS SWEET
I told you! He's funny!
ANGLE - EVE AND TROY
More stunned. Eve finds that she very much hates watching
Adam having a good time with other healthy non-mutants.
ANGLE - ADAM AND HIS NEW FRIENDS
MISS SWEET
We work on Rodeo Drive. But we're
both professional dancers.
ADAM
Really?
HEATHER
You dance?
ADAM
I took a dance lesson everyday of my
life until a couple of days ago.
MISS SWEET
You're kidding!
ADAM
No, I'm not! My mom taught me.
MISS SWEET
Your mom was a dancer?
ADAM
She is a dancer! And a lovely one! You
would like her very much! Shall we
dance?
MISS SWEET
Sure.
They head for the dance floor.
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
watching.
ANGLE - THE FLOOR
A jitterbug song comes on and so does Adam.
He and Miss Sweet are a little rough on take-off, but
they hit smooth sailing soon enough. He's terrific at
picking up the new stuff she shows him.
ANGLE - EVE & TROY
They are shocked.
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR
Heather cuts in on Miss Sweet as the other dancers stop
to watch someone who is so much better than them. The
three of them begin to dance together.
ANGLE - TROY & EVE
TROY
You know, he's a very, very good--
EVE
Shut up!
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR/ EVE
Adam dances beautifully with the two women. We CUT BACK
AND FORTH between them and Eve.
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR
Adam, Miss Sweet and Heather complete their dance with
great aplomb. Other dancers applaud them. Someone is
WHISTLING LOUDLY OFF CAMERA. Adam and his dance partners
look over to:
ANGLE - EVE
She is whistling like a guy calling his dog. Troy is
embarrassed.
TROY
Must you...
Eve points at Adam and beckons broadly for him to come
over -- a basketball coach calling her player off the
floor.
TROY
What in the hell is wrong with you?!!
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR
MISS SWEET
Is that your girl friend?
ADAM
No. Would you please excuse me?
HEATHER
If you'll please come back.
ADAM
I will certainly try. And thank you
both very much for the dance.
He leaves.
MISS SWEET
When was the last time you saw manners
like that?
HEATHER
Yeah. It's like meeting a foreigner
or something.
ANGLE - TABLE
as Adam comes over. The music is not so loud now.
EVE
(to Troy)
Go to the bathroom.
TROY
Right here?
(then, off her look)
Well, you're being so bossy I wasn't
sure!
Troy rises and exits. Adam arrives and sits down.
ADAM
You wanted to see me!
EVE
You're not from Alaska! Where'd you
learn to dance like that?! And there
are no starving people, are there?!
ADAM
Why are you suddenly so mad at me?
EVE
Don't change the subject! I want you
to tell me the truth about yourself.
ADAM
I've never lied to you. I've maybe
let you believe things that you wanted
to believe, but I've never lied.
EVE
You think I'm some sort of sap?! Don't
you?!
ADAM
No. I admire you. I...I fell in love
with you the first time I saw you.
(off her look)
I did. I think that you are the most--
EVE
I want to know exactly who you are and
what you're really up to!
ADAM
All right. Let me tell you the whole
thing. In 1962--
CLIFF (OC)
Well, well, well. Don't we clean up
nice?
Cliff steps up to the table. Adam, automatically a
gentleman, rises and offers his hand.
ADAM
Hello, Cliff, how are you this
evening?
Cliff barely shakes his hand.
CLIFF
Not bad.
Then he sits in Adam's seat.
CLIFF
But I do miss that green sport coat of
yours.
ADAM
Thank you very much. But, Cliff,
that's my seat. And I was just--
CLIFF
(to Eve)
How 'bout a drink at the bar?
EVE
(pause, then)
Sure.
They rise. Cliff gestures to the chair.
CLIFF
It's all yours.
Eve and Cliff go to the bar. Adam sits down glumly. He
looks across the room and catches the eye of Miss Sweet
who is seated at a table with Heather. A GOOD LOOKING
GUY is hitting on them. CUTTING BACK AND FORTH between
Adam and them we see Miss Sweet's smile escalate. Then
she nudges Heather who also looks over and smiles. Adam
smiles back. Finish with a CLOSER SHOT OF HIS POV of
Miss Sweet's hair, butt and legs.
ANGLE - BAR
Eve and Cliff are in cozy conversation at the bar.
Jonathan, Jason, and Sophie are in the bg.
ANGLE - Troy
returning from the restroom. He is surprised to see Eve
at the bar with Cliff. When he looks back at the dance
floor table, Adam is not there.
ANGLE - EVE AND CLIFF
Sipping wine.
EVE
So where is your roommate, the model?
CLIFF
You know, I don't know. And looking
at you, I don't care. It's been too
long, Eve.
ADAM (OC)
Please excuse this interruption.
CLIFF
Oh, brother...
WIDER - BAR
Adam steps closer, looking past Cliff at Eve.
ADAM
Eve, I don't mean to be rude, and
please excuse me Cliff, but Eve, isn't
Cliff just a butt with hair?
CLIFF
What?!
ADAM
I'm sorry, and legs. Legs, butt and
hair. Well, isn't he? And shallow,
as well?
CLIFF
(the shallowest guy in the
world)
Shallow? I'm shallow?!
EVE
Go home, Adam. Go to your hotel.
CLIFF
Yeah. Before I kick your ass.
He gives Adam a shove.
ADAM
Cliff, I must warn you. I know how to
defend myself.
CLIFF
Do ya?
Cliff throws a right which Adam calmly blocks and
counters with a short right jab to Cliff's mouth,
snapping his head back. It's not a big punch, but very,
very quick. It makes Eve mad and astonishes Troy, Jason
and Jonathan.
EVE
Stop it, you two!
CLIFF
(slightly insecure)
I guess we shouldn't fight in here.
ADAM
(lowering his guard)
Yes, I agree.
Cliff draws back another right. Adam flicks out a quick
left to Cliff's cheek, again snapping his head back, but
not his body. (These aren't big movie hits.) Cliff takes
a beat or two then draws back his right fist again. Adam
pops him in the nose. Cliff drops his right arm to his
side.
EVE
Adam?!
ADAM
I'm sorry.
CLIFF
(increasingly insecure)
Maybe we shouldn't fight at all.
Fighting is pretty immature.
ADAM
(lowering his guard)
It certainly is. I agree with you
completely.
CLIFF
Eve? I'm leaving.
EVE
I don't blame you!
ADAM
(turning to Eve)
Eve, I'm sorry.
Seeing an opportunity, Cliff rears back with another
right. Adam deftly pops him in the mouth again with a
short right jab.
CLIFF
(deeply insecure)
Well, good night, everyone.
Troy, Jonathan and Jason say good night to him. Cliff
walks unsteadily away bleeding from the mouth and both
nostrils. (Hopeful that no one has noticed that he's very
subtly just gotten the crap beat out of him.)
EVE
I'm leaving, too.
ADAM
But, Eve, I would--
EVE
And tomorrow maybe Troy will help you
out--because I quit! This is
ridiculous! You're ridiculous! I'm
ridiculous!
She exits. Adam looks over at Troy who shrugs.
EXT. EVE'S HOUSE - MIDNIGHT
Troy takes out his keys as he approaches the front door.
But the door opens. Eve stands there in sweats. Agitated.
EVE
He go back to the hotel?
TROY
Uh..he might of.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Troy enters. She slams the door.
EVE
What's that mean?
TROY
We did not leave together.
EVE
Who did he leave with?
TROY
What's it to you?!
EVE
I'm his pimp. He left with the
dancers, didn't he?
TROY
Hey, you're the psychic. Eve, the
psychic pimp. You tell me.
EVE
Those sluts!
TROY
Yeah. But who's not a slut these days?
He enters the kitchen
INT. KITCHEN
She follows him: He gets something to drink.
.
EVE
Where are you going?
TROY
To bed.
EVE
To bed?
TROY
Yeah. I'm not the one who's in love
with the guy.
EVE
What?! Now hold on! Wait one damn
minute!
Troy exits into his office.
INT. OFFICE
He plops down on the chair.
.
EVE
In the first place, I don't fall in
love with weirdos I've only known for
four or five days.
TROY
Yes, you do.
EVE
And I don't fall in love with grown
men who collect baseball cards!!
TROY
Uh, yes, you do.
EVE
Or pee in their pants when they see
the ocean!
TROY
Yes, you do!
EVE
Or have perfect table manners.
TROY
(sitting up)
You know, I asked him about that. And
he said that good manners are a way we
have of showing other people that we
respect them. See, you'd eat like a
slob if you
were alone, but since another human
being is present, you show that person
respect by going to the trouble of
having proper manners. I didn't know
that. I thought it was a way of
appearing superior.
(then)
Know what else he told me?
EVE
(sitting on the bed)
What?
TROY
He thinks that I am a gentleman and
that you are a lady!
EVE
Well, consider the source. I don't
even know what a lady is.
TROY
Exactly! I thought a gentleman was
somebody who owned horses. Turns out,
the short and very simple definition
of a gentleman or a lady is: someone
who always attempts to make the people
around him or her feel as comfortable
as possible. That's it! If you don't
do that, nothing else matters. The
cars, the clothes, the houses...
EVE
Where did he get all that information?
TROY
From the oddest place. His parent's
told him. I don't think I got that
memo.
EVE
So now I suppose he's trying to make
those two dancers feel as comfortable
as possible.
TROY
He didn't leave with them.
EVE
Well...I admit it. I'm glad to hear
that.
TROY
He left with Sophie.
EVE
What?!!
TROY
It's true. She swept him out the door
whispering little French things into
his ear.
EVE
Oh, no! Not Sophie! No way! Please
don't tell me that!!
TROY
What are you going to do? Go over to
her place and kick in the door?
EVE
You're goddamn right I am!
She exits, then sticks her hand back in.
EVE (cont'd)
You coming?!
TROY
(cringing)
I don't think so.
EVE
Coward!
She exits.
TROY
Gentleman coward, to you.
SCENE 148 OMITTED
EXT. HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Eve hurries out of the house leaving the front door wide
open. She runs down the porch steps, across the yard,
and to her car, which she unlocks with the usual
fumbling.
EVE
Come on! Come on, damn it!
INT. CAR
She jumps in and sticks the key in the ignition. Adam
appears at the passenger window.
ADAM
Hi!
Eve SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER as she throws open her door and
jumps out into the street where she falls down, hurting
her knee. Adam runs around the car to help her to her
feet. Dogs start barking in several houses.
ADAM
Eve?!
EVE
Scare me, why don't you?!!? You
stupid son of a bitch!!!
ADAM
I'm really sorry!
EVE
What in the hell are you doing here!!
You're supposed to be over on San
Vicente Boulevard having unsafe sex
with that slut Sophie!!
ADAM
I know...and I'm really sorry.
EVE
Well, you should be! Thanks to you,
my heart is in my neck!
ADAM
What?
EVE
Goodnight!
Eve marches, with a limp, back to the house.
ADAM
Eve, if you'll let me, I can --
EVE
Look! I'm limping! How attractive is
that?! What if this is for life?!
ADAM
I know first aid!
EVE
Well, you had better!!
He chases her up the porch steps.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Lights are low and warm. Adam is attempting to swab the
abrasion on Eve's knee through the tear in her old sweat
pants.
EVE
Wait a minute.
She reaches down and gives the knee hole a good rip,
revealing her leg from above the knee to the gym sock.
EVE
There.
ADAM
Thanks.
He takes the back of her calf in one hand and applies the
antiseptic to her knee with the other. It stings and she
flinches.
ADAM
Steady. Steady. It's going to be all
right in no time.
He leans down and blows on the wound. CU of that. CU of
his hand on her calf. CU of her looking down at him,
watching as he blows gently on her knee.
ADAM
I went to Sophie's and she was very
hospitable.
EVE
Is that what you call it?
ADAM
But it just wasn't where I wanted to
be so I left as politely as I could
and found a taxi. But I asked the
driver to drop me here instead of at
the hotel. There's a song Mister Como
sings called "On the Street Where You
Live." You know it?
EVE
Sing it to me.
ADAM
(softly, saying it as much as
singing it)
"All at once am I--several stories
high-- knowing I'm--on the street--
where you live." It's about a young
man who is overjoyed just to be
standing in front of the house of the
person he loves.
She reaches down, and taking hold of his collar, draws
him to her and they kiss very romantically and at length.
Then:
EVE
Adam...dumb question, but humor me.
Have you ever had sex before?
ADAM
No.
She sits up.
EVE
How is that possible?
During the following speech CAMERA pushes past him and
lingers on her as she gradually realizes that Adam is
mental.
ADAM
(sitting up)
In 1962, when the bomb was dropped on
Los Angeles, my parents were in our
fallout shelter. That's where I was
born. We
only survived because it was a huge
shelter as fallout shelters go. My
father worked on it secretly for
years. When he had to, he used
contractors, but always from out-of-
state and always for just a portion of
the job. He told them it was a secret
government experiment done through
CalTech. My Dad's not a liar, but he
felt in this case he had no choice. Of
course, it had to be a secret, because
we had just enough supplies to last
three people thirty-five years. That's
also why I have no brothers or
sisters. The air vent was the really
tricky part, but he was able to cut
into a flood control sewer. What I'd
like to do Eve, is take you down into
the fallout shelter with me. We could
live there with my Mom and Dad. My dad
said if I found a healthy girl I
should "bring her on down". And you
look plenty healthy to me.
EVE
Uh-huh. Adam?
ADAM
Yes, Eve?
EVE
I want you to go back to the hotel
now. I'll call you a cab.
ADAM
Of course. I shouldn't be over here
at this hour.
He rises. She gets up and leads him to the door.
EVE
That's right. And I'll see you in the
morning in the lobby. Do you mind
waiting outside for the taxi?
ADAM
Not at all. And Eve thank you for
tonight...and for the kiss. My first.
EVE
My pleasure.
ADAM
It was at least as good as the sky.
EVE
Really? Okay!
ADAM
And I think better than the ocean. I'm
serious!
EVE
Neat. Goodnight!
EXT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Adam comes out glowing with happiness. He looks
heavenward. And does his patented thumbs up.
Behind him we hear Eve locking all the locks on her front
door.
EXT. VALLEY AVENUE - DAY
A REFRIGERATED U-HAUL TRUCK lurches down the street.
INT. TRUCK
Adam struggles with the gears as Troy worries about his
driving skills.
TROY
Goddamn, Adam!
ADAM
Wait a minute!
He promptly pulls over and turns off the engine.
TROY
I'm sorry. I took the Lord's name in
vain again, didn't I? I'm so sorry.
ADAM
No! There's an Adult Bookstore back
there! I'll be right back!
Adam jumps out of the truck and runs off.
TROY
Without question, the strangest man
I've ever met.
EXT. ADULT BOOKSTORE - MOMENTS LATER
Adam runs up. The bookstore looks familiar. Adam runs
to the next store. It's a bar. He runs to the next
store. It's the Malt Shop. Adam is thrilled. He tries
the front door and at first it does not open.
INT. MALT SHOP
The Soda Jerk is leading about twelve followers in
prayers.
SODA JERK
Give us a sign! That's all we ask!
Give us some sort of sign!
The front door opens and Adam peers in. He sees the Soda
Jerk; smiles broadly at him and waves. Then he closes
the
door. The Soda Jerk grabs his heart and faints. His
followers rush to his aid.
INT. TRUCK - MOMENTS LATER
Adam jumps in.
ADAM
Okay, Troy! Let's get those all-beef
frozen patties!
TROY
How 'bout we check with Eve first?
ADAM
You bet!
TROY
So, did you buy a movie?
ADAM
What?
TROY
A magazine? A toy perhaps? In the
bookstore.
ADAM
(concentrating on his
driving)
No, I wouldn't go in one of those
places with a gas mask on.
TROY
(laughing in agreement)
I know what you mean! I usually wear
a big hat and dark glasses.
ADAM
Does that work?
TROY
Yeah...Seems to.
Adam would not have thought that.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - AN HOUR LATER
Adam springs in, Troy drags in behind him (knowing the
deal). Eve is standing away from the door next to a kind
looking professional woman named Dr.Aron.
ADAM
Hi, Eve!
EVE
Hi, Adam. This is, uh....
ARON
I'm Nina Aron, Adam.
ADAM
How do you do?
ARON
Very well, thank you. I'm with the
County Family Services Department. Eve
tells me you've been living in a bomb
shelter most of your life.
ADAM
Fallout shelter. There's a difference.
ARON
Adam, I'd like to introduce you to my
associate -- Mr. Brown.
BROWN appears from the kitchen. He's good-sized man who
dresses casually. Adam becomes uneasy.
ADAM
Hello.
He nods politely.
ARON
We want you to come with us so we can
talk some more about your experiences.
ADAM
Come where?
ARON
My office.
ADAM
For how long?
ARON
Well, that depends...
ADAM
I thank you very much for the
invitation, but I'm quite busy today.
Perhaps I could see you tomorrow.
EVE
Adam....you should go with Dr. Aron.
It's the best thing. The best thing
for you. I promise.
ADAM
...All right, Eve. If you say so.
EVE
...I do.
ADAM
(to Aron)
Could I please just go home? I was
lost, but this morning I found home
and I promise not to bother any of you
ever again.
ARON
Let's go talk first, Adam.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
The two come forward. One opens the door and one beckons
for Adam to step out.
TROY
Good-bye, Adam.
ADAM
Goodbye.
Adam looks back at Eve, who looks away. Adam exits.
ARON
(to Eve)
You'll be hearing from me.
She shuts the door. Troy sits dejectedly.
EVE
Well what was I supposed to do?! He
wants me to live underground with him!
That's like Silence of the Lambs,
don't you think?!
TROY
I know...I know. You did the right
thing.
Eve goes to the window and watches as WE SEE ADAM BREAK
FROM BROWN AND RUN OFF with him chasing.
EVE
Oh, no!
TROY
What?!
She runs out. He follows.
EXT. STREET
Adam races down the sidewalk. He cuts left and runs
between houses. Brown is not as fast.
EXT. EVE'S FRONT YARD
Eve and Troy run out to Aron who is dialing her cell
phone.
EVE
Oh, my God!
ARON
He'll catch him.
(then into phone)
Hi. This is Nina Aron. I've got a run
away and I'm going to need police
assistance.
EVE
No! Not the police! Don't call them!
ARON
I have to. If a complaint is made and
the person resists obser--
EVE
No, I can't have that! They'll come
with their cars and their guns and
their handcuffs--
ARON
Calm down, please. This man needs help
and you need protection from him.
That's obvious.
EVE
You know, I don't think so. I'm
confused but you know, I don't think
he'd ever hurt me. I don't think he'd
hurt anyone.
ARON
And now you must let me be the judge
of that!
EVE
I was frightened and I didn't know
what to think! But you know-I believe
him. I think he just wants to go home.
Wherever the hell that is...
ARON
Let's all remain calm. That's the key
thing.
Suddenly Adam appears from the side of the house,
startling everyone. He tosses his hotel key to Eve.
ADAM
The key to my hotel room! I want you
to have my baseball cards!
(running to the truck)
And please be sure to pay my bill!
ARON
Young man, stop right there!
Aron looks around for Mr. Brown.
Adam jumps into the truck. Aron yells for him to stop.
ARON
Stop, right now! Get out of that
truck!
TROY
Adam, you really shouldn't try to
drive that truck!
ADAM
(starting the engine)
Bye, Troy!
TROY
Bye, Adam!
ADAM
And thanks for always being happy!
TROY
What?
EVE
Gay.
TROY
Oh.
(yelling to Adam)
Well, you're...certainly welcome!
Adam gets the truck in reverse and backs out of the
driveway and into a parked car.
ARON
Hey!!! That's my car, you son of a
bitch!!
Getting the truck in first, Adam has to go down the
sidewalk a bungalow or two before he can get back onto
the street. He clips two parked cars as he does. Brown
comes running from the side of the house. His pants are
torn.
ARON (cont'd)
Where the hell have you been?!
BROWN
I fell down!
(to Troy and Eve)
What's the license number of that
truck?!
ARON
Don't ask them! They're as fucked-up
as the other guy!
TROY
Let's all just try to remain calm.
That's the key thing.
ARON
How 'bout I just knock the shit out of
you?!
Brown has to grab her.
EXT. U-STORE-IT - LATER, SAME DAY
Eve and Troy arrive in her GEO to see that the two locker
doors are open and much of the stuff has been carried
off. Eve drops her head in disappointment.
TROY
I guess he took what he could.
EVE
(putting her head in her
hand)
Good God...you don't think there
really is a bomb shelter, do you?
TROY
Fallout shelter.
She gives him a look.
TROY (cont'd)
There's a difference.
INT. SHELTER, PATIO - LATER, SAME DAY
Helen is using the hip-reduction machine while Calvin
reads, How to Win Friends and Influence People. The
distant sound of the hatchway being open gets their
attention. Then:
ADAM (OC)
Mom?! Dad?! I'm home!
They jump up and race into the living room, meeting Adam
halfway. The parents kiss and hug their son before
noticing that he's got the Soda Jerk with him.
ADAM
I've got almost everything we need!
And this nice man...
SODA JERK
Archbishop Melker. We met earlier.
He promptly drops to his knees in supplication.
ADAM
...and his church group have
volunteered to help us bring the
supplies down. But we've got to
hurry.
HELEN
Are you in trouble, son?!
ADAM
I think I'm being chased by a
psychiatrist.
HELEN
A psychiatrist?!
SODA JERK
It happens.
HELEN
My goodness! How bad is it up there?!
SODA JERK
Horrible.
CALVIN
You have something on your forehead.
SODA JERK
I know.
INT. ADAM'S HOTEL ROOM - DUSK
Eve and Troy look around. She opens a drawer and sees
how nicely folded and put away things are. Troy notices
"TV Guide" and the Gideon Bible sitting out with a page
marker in it. He opens the night table drawer and takes
out the cigar box.
TROY
This it?
Eve nods.
TROY
What do you want to do with it?
EVE
Give it back to him.
TROY
And if we can't find him?
EVE
We'll find him.
INT. BATHROOM, ADAM'S HOTEL ROOM
Eve enters and looks at how tidy Adam's toiletries are;
how the comb is just right in the brush; how the tooth
paste (Ipanna in a '61 tube) has been squeezed from the
bottom; and at how he has hung up his socks to dry. It
makes her very sad. She picks up the toothpaste and
holds it as if it were his ring.
TROY (OC)
Hey, Eve? Eve?
He enters with stock certificates and sees that she's
very close to crying.
TROY
What's wrong?
EVE
I don't know. Everything's so neat.
It's all just so...goddamn dear.
(starting to cry)
Damn!
TROY
See these? Found them in the box with
the cards. These are stock
certificates. IBM. AT&T. Polaroid.
Instead of taking the certificates, she hands him the
toothpaste and sits down on the bed in a funk.
TROY (cont'd)
(looking at the toothpaste)
Ipana. I think I remember that brand.
(then)
Oh, here, you should read this.
"Trademark, 1961."
He holds out the tube and she takes it to read.
EXT. REAR OF MALT SHOP - SAME TIME
Adam, the Soda Jerk and fifteen followers hurriedly
unload the truck, taking provisions into the back door of
the malt shop.
INT. JASON'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
Their pal Jason is on the phone with Troy.
JASON
Purchased in 1958 and '59? Ten
thousand shares of each? They'd be
worth millions. Hell, I don't
know...millions upon millions upon
millions! How 'bout that?
INT. HOTEL ROOM - EARLY EVENING
Troy is on the phone. Eve is standing, looking at the
stock certificates.
TROY
Thanks, Jason.
He slams down the phone and jumps to his feet.
TROY
Millions upon millions upon millions!
The cards. The stock! The clothes!
The toothpaste! The guy was on the
level! And you blew it! A man walks
into your life who is the kindest,
most polite, honest, trustworthy,
incredibly rich guy you have ever met
in your life!! And what do you do?!
EVE
Have him committed.
TROY
Yeah! That's thinking.
EVE
He was always so "nice"! How was I
supposed to know that's a good thing?!
"Nice" is weird! Nice is...what is
"nice"? It's not cool! I'll tell you
that.
(beat, then)
Was it ever?
TROY
I don't know. I like to think so.
EVE
Well, at least I fell for him before I
found out he was rich! That's new.
(then)
Wait a minute! He said today he knew
where home was. What happened this
morning?! Where did you go?!
TROY
To get some frozen poultry.
EVE
Then what?
TROY
We came back to the house!
EVE
You didn't stop anywhere else?!
TROY
No. No, wait a minute. We stopped at a
porno store.
EVE
What?!
TROY
An adult bookstore. He was very
excited about seeing it. You think
home is under a dirty bookstore in the
Valley?
EVE
Come on.
She heads out.
TROY
Trendy address.
They exit.
EXT. ADULT BOOKSTORE - NIGHT
Troy and Eve approach and enter.
INT. ADULT BOOKSTORE - NIGHT
The Pakistani looks up briefly when Eve and Troy enter.
There are two male customers in the bg. Eve taps her foot
on the floor hoping to hear a hollow sound. But it is
solid. She and Troy move about the store tapping their
feet and finally jumping up and down. The Pakistani and
two customers become concerned.
EVE
(to Pakistani)
Have you got a basement?
PAKISTANI
(indicating merchandise)
Believe me, all the really good stuff
is right here.
EVE
Is there a back entrance?
PAKISTANI
Are you kidding? Of course.
He points to the rear of the store.
EXT. REAR MALT SHOP PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The Soda Jerk drives the rental truck away leaving the
lot empty and the door to the Malt Shop closed. Troy and
Eve appear after the truck is gone.
EVE
Why would you put a fallout shelter
under a porno shop?
TROY
None of this stuff was here in 1962.
The Valley was mostly small homes and
fruit orchards.
EVE
Well, we've come a long way, haven't
we? I want to go home.
TROY
Yeah. Maybe he'll call.
They turn left to get back to the avenue.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The phone is ringing. Then the recorder answers.
TROY
Hi. Troy and Eve are out so leave a
message. And if you want to leave a
number don't say it fast! I hate that!
Say it slow. Thank you.
Beep,
ADAM
Uh, Eve...this is Adam. Look, I just
wanted to thank you for everything you
did for me...and I wanted to tell you
that I...uh...that I wish so many good
things for you. I wish so hard that
all of your dreams come true. Um...I,
uh...
EXT. AVENUE - NIGHT
Eve lets Troy drive. She clutches the cigar box and
rests her head on the seat as they pull away from the
curb in front of the bookstore. A low rider passes them
on the left. Eve sees an old hag being shoved out of the
bar and a homeless man slipping into the abandoned malt
shop and the cross-dressing STREET WALKER making eyes at
passing cars and Adam hanging up the pay phone he just
used.
EVE
Adam!!
TROY
Where?!
EVE
Stop!
She rolls down her window.
EVE
Adam!!
ANGLE - ADAM
Turning when he hears Eve yell his name.
ANGLE - EVE
Running from the car. The cigar box falls to the street
and the contents scatter. Eve could care less. Besides,
Troy is there to retrieve everything.
In a series of cuts and slo-mo action the couple race
into each other's arms...to the pleasure of all the
lowlifes mentioned above. Now the street looks more like
Capra than Scorsese. She's surprised that she wants to
kiss him so bad. He's surprised that he gets so
aggressive.
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - LATER, SAME NIGHT
Helen watches Calvin work on the timing device for the
locks with a screwdriver.
HELEN
How long will you set it for this
time?
CALVIN
I thought ten years.
HELEN
Well, that's...considerably shorter
than before. I was wondering, Calvin,
why set the locks at all. I mean the
radiation is gone and...
CALVIN
To keep what's up there from getting
down here! It's not the radiation I'm
worried about.
ADAM (OC)
Mom? Dad?
They turn to see Adam walking forward with Eve.
ADAM
I'd like for you to meet Miss Eve
Rustokov.
Calvin knows a Russian name when he hears one. But he
chooses not to pursue it.
EVE
(stepping forward, offering
her hand)
How do you do, Mrs. Webber? Mr.
Webber?
WEBBERS
(rather dumb-struck)
Hello.
EVE
Uh-huh. I've heard so many wonderful
things about you.
HELEN
Well, please excuse us! We...we
haven't entertained a guest in...um...
CALVIN
Some time.
HELEN
What can I offer you, Eve?
ADAM
Mom? Eve and I have to go.
HELEN
What?
ADAM
I can't explain it now. But I want
you to set the locks for two months.
You have more than enough of
everything. Then we'll be back to get
you.
CALVIN
But, I don't understand.
ADAM
And, I'm asking you to trust me
without understanding why.
CALVIN
Well, in that case...of course, son.
HELEN
Of course.
EVE
They are wonderful parents.
ADAM
We have to go.
HELEN
No, wait! At least stay for dinner!
CALVIN
Yes, please! You must.
ADAM/EVE
Well...sure...okay.
INT. BAR - AN HOUR LATER
Calvin mixes drinks just like he did at the party in
1962. Adam is with him.
INT. - KITCHEN
Helen races around, just like she did in 1962, getting
the roast ready. Eve. watches.
EVE
Adam said I shouldn't mention the
Communists.
HELEN
Oh, yes! Please, don't mention the
Communists!
INT. - DINING ROOM
Helen hurries out of the kitchen to take her seat. The
others are already there.
HELEN
Eve. I hope I'm not being nosey, but
are you and Adam...um...dating?
EVE
Yes, Mrs. Webber we are.
(then)
I'm also from Pasadena.
Helen nearly comes unglued. Calvin is pleased, too. He
raises his tea cup.
CALVIN
A toast! To Adam and Eve!
The others also raise their cups and everyone clicks.
Then they drink.
EVE
(gagging)
What is this sh...stuff?!
CALVIN
Hot Dr. Pepper! Most people don't know
how good it is heated up.
EVE
You know, they don't, do they?
They begin to eat.
EVE (cont'd)
What about grace?
HELEN
Oh, my goodness! We almost forgot!
(then)
I like your friend, Adam.
They all join hands and lower their heads. Calvin leads
them.
EVE (VO)
And you thought your parents were
weird.
EXT. BEAUTIFUL VALLEY NORTH OF LA - MORNING
Adam and Eve are with a REAL ESTATE BROKER. The broker
unlocks the gate of a chain-link fence and Adam and Eve
step onto the property. The broker's Lexus is in the b.g.
BROKER
It's like the Garden of Eden, don't
you think?
Adam and Eve respond but we can't hear them under Eve's
narration.
EVE (VO)
You see, that night, Adam had a choice
between me and his parents.
SCENE 173 OMITTED
EXT. VALLEY PROPERTY - DAY
Adam and Eve are working with a TEAM OF ARCHITECTS AND
CONTRACTORS at the site of a new home. They have plans
and are discussing dimensions.
EVE (VO)
It's truly amazing what you can get
done when you have unlimited funds.
Did you know you can have whole houses
built in just a matter of months. All
you have to say is this..."I don't
care what it costs." And then, of
course, you've got
to really mean it, which no one ever
does.
EXT. NEW HOUSE - DAY
It is under construction.
EXT. MELROSE RETRO FURNITURE STORE - DAY
Adam, Eve and Troy enter.
INT. RETRO STORE
This is great stuff from the fifties and the sixties.
Adam finds things very similar to what he grew up with.
There's a
lamp (or something) that's just like the lamp (or
something) from the Webber living room.
ADAM
That lamp is perfect!
STORE OWNER
(very faggy)
I'm holding that for Elton John.
TROY
(faggy right back)
Oh, I think not.
SCENE 176 OMITTED (REFER TO SCENE 172D)
EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF MALT SHOP (FLASHBACK) - NIGHT
Adam and Eve embracing as Troy picks up baseball cards
and the street people look on.
ADAM
Eve, I've got to go back! My parents
can't handle this up here. And there
was no bomb, was there?
EVE
No.
ADAM
See! I can't tell them that! I can't
ever let them know. It makes their
life..well, frankly...
a joke. I can't let that happen. You
understand?
EVE
We can make this work, Adam! Believe
me! I'm very good at making things
work!
ADAM
My mother's like that.
They kiss again.
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY
Eve and Troy are showing large color drawings to the Soda
Jerk. In CU we see the Malt Shop exterior all dolled up
with a big lighted sign that says "GIVE ME SHELTER."
There's valet parking and the Adult Bookstore and Bar
have been turned into a Souvenir Center (think Planet
Hollywood). Another drawing shows fashionable guests
boarding the elevator.
EVE (VO)
It took a while to convince Archbishop
Milker that Adam wasn't God, and he
was pretty broken up about it, too,
until I showed him my plans for Los
Angeles' hottest and most original
night spot.
Other drawings show dancing on the shelter patio and
guided tours being shown various parts of the shelter.
EVE
You'll be a ten percent partner and
still retain ownership of the
entrance.
SODA JERK
Praise the Lord. And I mean the real
one.
EXT. BEAUTIFUL VALLEY NORTH OF L.A. - TWO MONTHS LATER
A 1962 Cadillac leads a 1962 windowless van through
automatic gates that have signs on them saying: PRIVATE
ROAD and NO TRESPASSING. Troy drives the van. Eve drives
the Cadillac. Adam is her passenger.
EVE (VO)
Our idea was to bring Adam's parents
up to the surface very slowly. Make
them very comfortable and then break
the bad news to them that there was no
nuclear holocaust. And if that doesn't
kill them Adam's going to tell his
father about the Internet.
EXT. EXACT REPLICA OF THE WEBBER HOUSE - DAY
The cars pull up and Adam lets his parents out. They go
bonkers when they see the house.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The parents enter first. They are thrilled, shocked, etc.
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
As a demonstration, Troy removes a hot cup of coffee from
the microwave. Helen is happy to see this handy new
device. Calvin, the inventor, sticks his head into the
machine to investigate its workings.
INT. FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Adam demonstrates the VCR to his parents as Troy and Eve
look on.
ADAM
You put the tape in here and you get a
movie -- in your own home.
We see the main title to Natural Born Killers come up on
the screen. Troy and Eve rush forward.
EVE/TROY
No!!
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
It has been turned into an office for Calvin.
HELEN
This is your bedroom?
ADAM
No, Mom, I've turned it into Dad's
office.
HELEN
Well, where are you --
ADAM
Eve and I...eloped. We're married.
HELEN
No.
ADAM
Yes.
EVE
Is that all right?
HELEN
It's wonderful, dear! Wonderful!!
They hug.
HELEN (cont'd)
Calvin! They're married!
CALVIN
(offering his hand to both)
That's wonderful. We Webber guys have
mighty good luck when it comes to
women.
Calvin points out the computer.
CALVIN (cont'd)
What's that thing?
ADAM
It's kind of a combination television-
typewriter-telephone-post office type
of thing.
(leading Calvin out)
I'll show it to you later.
EXT. PATIO - AN HOUR LATER
Adam and Calvin exit the house. They wear baseball gloves
and start playing catch. (Calvin notes the modern
construction of his glove, but does not comment on it.)
CALVIN
This is great son, just great. By the
way, Eve's last name. Rus-to-kov,
that's not Russian, is it?
ADAM
It's Ukrainian. Her grandparents
immigrated here.
CALVIN
Uh-huh.
ADAM
Dad, I don't know how to tell you
this. And I was going to wait a while,
but I think...Dad,there was no bomb.
A plane crashed into our backyard. I
looked it up in old newspapers.
CALVIN
(after a while)
You're sure?
ADAM
Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed
without a shot being fired. The Cold
War is over.
CALVIN
That's what everybody believes?
ADAM
Yes, sir. It's true.
CALVIN
What? Did the politburo just one day
say - "We give up?"
ADAM
Yes. That's kind of how it was.
CALVIN
Uh-huh.
Adam throws the ball, but Calvin makes no attempt to
catch it.
CALVIN
My gosh, those Commies are brilliant!
You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we
didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our
evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor
us!" I bet they've even asked the
West for aid! Right?!
ADAM
Uh, I think they have.
CALVIN
Hah!!! Those cagey rascals! Those sly
dissemblers! Those, uh...
(he can't think of another
description, so he moves on)
They've finally pulled the wool over
everybody's eyes!
EVE (VO)
Have you ever in your life seen a son
who did more for his parents?
Helen comes out with a tray of champagne cocktails.
EVE (VO)
Adam says that this is simply how
things work. First the parents take
care of the children and then the
children take care
of the parents. He says historically,
that's how it works.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Eve and Troy are sitting by the window. Adam and Helen
come in to offer cocktails to Troy and Eve.
EVE (VO)
Whenever Adam gives me such obviously
incorrect information, I just smile,
slap him on the knee, and look out the
window.
Why spoil his dreams? They're such
wonderful dreams.
The CAMERA wanders off of them and shoots out the glass
doors. We see Calvin behind the house...measuring off the
dimensions for a fallout shelter.
EXT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Calvin continues to measure as we pull way back and up.
Perry Como sings "We'll Meet Again".
FADE OUT:
THE END
|